“sir, can i ask why you’re smoking TWO huge blunts?”
“officer, I’m…”
*turns to camera*
“double jointed”
*cop starts breakdancing*
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Couldn’t of?! COULDN’T OF?? Oh really? You could not of? Interesting.
Anaesthetist: Count back from 10
Me: WHY IS THERE MATHS? NO ONE SAID THERE’D BE MATHS
Husband looking through take out bag: Did you forget my tacos?
Me spewing taco shell crumbs: Thofe baftards mufed have forgot to pack fem.
dog math is dividing the number of secret service agents you bite by seven
me: we need to go to the ATM machine
thomas: lol ATM machine. isnt that a bit redundant you idiot
me (thinking about my Automatic Thomas Murdering machine): this is why we need to go to the ATM machine
Made it five weeks at my new job before anyone saw my underwear
On my way to work I saw a turtle crossing at a TURTLE CROSSING SIGN omg so responsible.
America is the greatest country on earth at thinking it’s the greatest country on earth.
Stop being friends with whoever says you can’t twerk to Led Zeppelin.
You don’t need that negativity in your life.
I should have been a Librarian, my favourite thing to do is telling people to shut up
I WILL TURN THIS CAR AROUND RIGHT NOW, she screamed to the 2 liter bottle of club soda rolling around in the backseat.
wow my top song this year was my upset tummy sounding like a car driving on gravel
[spelling bee]
Judge- Your word is dirty.
Me-*whispering seductively* How dirty is it?
Judge- What? No! Your word is dir…
Me- Does it want to be spanked?
ME: When I die, I want to be cremated.
GLOBAL WARMING: Let me save you a step.
Oceanography is all about current events
My kid: No, I have no idea where I left the remote 37 seconds ago.
Also my kid: Remember that time last year when you promised to take me to the playground but it rained, so we didn’t go because you never let me do anything?
Me: Hmm, food is a splurge. Can’t afford it this week.
*sees a talking Batman cup*
Me: I absolutely need this right now or I’ll die
A month ago I gave my number to this beautiful girl. She said “I will text you when I get home”. I think she’s homeless.
Every day Facebook tells me I have memories and wants to show them to me. It’s like they have no appreciation for the cost or the amount of liquor I needed to erase them.
Asked my wife if I was going to get a “tip” for driving her around today.
She laughed and laughed.
Apparently so hard, she got a headache.
ME: wow nice costume
COP: step out of the car sir
How do I convince my publisher that this is an essential marketing purchase
Hate eating nachos with someone at the theater and our fingers touch. Especially if I don’t know them, and they don’t know we’re sharing.
My husband pays me the highest compliments. Like “WOW! Look at you. You’re dressed.”
I am bringing 21 tamales to Thanksgiving because it’s the year 2021 and also because I ate three of them already.
It’s not really ‘fast food’ if fat people can catch it.
“please feel free to ignore this email” – respectful, timely communication, probably requesting something that I can handle in a couple minutes
“I need this ASAP” – well you shoulda asked yesterday pal
Croatia-France sounds like a 19th century war to decide which cousin the crown prince is forced to marry.
STRANGER: she has a book. cute and smart
ME: [taking a bite of the small layer cake i made to look like a book]
STRANGER: a stunning genius
*forgets to bring grocery list to the store*
I can handle this…
*comes home with cheese and bath salts*
Nailed it.