“Welcome to another meeting of Horse Club. Let’s try to actually get something done today. All in favor?”
Crowd: “NEIGH!”
“Jesus Christ.”
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don’t like how strawberries have their seeds on the outside. kinda freaks me out. put a shirt on u little weirdo
9yo is yelling at 13yo for eating most of the Froot Loops and 13yo is yelling at 9yo for finishing the box and I’m hiding in the breakfast room eating a bowl of Fruity Pebbles and hoping they don’t notice me because I don’t want to share.
5 yo- can I roll down the car window?
Me- yeah, just don’t yell at that man.
“911”
you gotta help, my wife is in labour in the backseat
“how far apart are the contractions?”
about 2 miles but I’m driving pretty fast
ladies, I know we are all lonely in quarantine, but you need to quit calling me like “this is your student loan provider just letting you know that a SWAT team is on their way”
Me: Can I dip my breadstick in your Alfredo sauce?
Him: Usually it’s me asking you that.
13YO: SHUT UP. STOP IT RIGHT NOW!
[in the world of chess]
kings: here’s a sword
bishop: what do i do with this? i can’t even run straight
[first date]
Bruce Wayne: “please tell me you’re a dog person, i’m so done with cat women”
Me: shut tf up, I’m trying to sleep
Brain: ….. SO LIKE I WAS SAYING
don’t let me drive if ur gonna scream every time we almost die 🙄
My 13yo is upset that the tooth fairy didn’t leave him any money last night and I’m upset that I have a kid who still believes in the tooth fairy
Cool. Work is offering a webinar called Why Sleep Matters, and it takes place Friday at 5am.
(kids playing upstairs)
*loud crash*
Me: *slowly gets off the couch to take a look at everything we own*
My neighbour won’t stop talking about his Rolex and I can’t believe someone stole it tomorrow
“You probably can’t even tell, but there was an incident with the shower curtain”
WIFE: *reading news article* There are what appears to be coordinated attacks by killer whales on boats
ME: *barely audible* orca-strated
HER: Get out!
Him: “You’re not like other girls”
My anxiety and insecurity: “Told ya”
her: what’s your fantasy?
me: i’m fighting a giant dragon and as i defeat it, the dragon burns me to death but i die a hero and the townspeople write epic poems about me
her: … i meant like, sexual fantasy
me: i know *handing her a blowtorch* you’re the dragon
Doctor: it’s a beautiful baby girl!
Nurse: what’s her name?
Me: well we both love Kit Kats
Nurse: that’s so cute! Kit, or Kat?
Me: meet Wafer
Alien: we are here to enslave you
Me: *not looking up from phone* huh?
Alien: I SAID..
Me: *still not looking up* yeah I said I’ll do it
to the people who follow me but don’t like anything I post. I see you, I hear you, I am you 🫶
*comes back with wife’s purse*
w: I said don’t run or people will think you stole it! How many times did you get tackled?
m:[bleeding] Twice
I have never laughed so hard in my LIFE
The Shining is my favorite movie about what can happen when you spend too much time with family.
I’ve reviewed your insurance & laughter really is the best medicine.
In my daydreams I’m majestic, like a hippo ballerina, but in reality, I’m a rhinoceros breakdancer.
Me: It’s just really upsetting that people just assume my dialogue tweets are just jokes and didn’t really happen, you know?
The Pope: Yeah I feel that dude
Goldilocks is still undefeated when it comes to forced entry Yelp reviews.
The saddest thing about the digital age is the next generation won’t have that “nudie mag they found in the woods” experience. #culture
Me: Roses are red, violets are blue…
Them: I’m going to stop you there man. Imma assume this is your first rap battle?