When a squirrel runs on the road then turns around quickly is it because he thinks he left his little squirrel iron on?
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I’m thankful my wife harvested over $100,000 in potatoes on Farmville while I ate a grilled cheese for dinner & am sleeping on dirty laundry
Velcrow
If I had to choose between watching Frozen 1 and Frozen 2, I’d probably choose whiskey.
OPTICIAN: Do you wear contacts?
ME: *showing my cell phone* No, I keep them on here.
Ain’t no mountain high enough? Have you seen them?
A true Columbus Day sale in a mattress store would mean all the merchandise is infested with smallpox
Follow me on instagram here!
It won’t all be gold – most of it is barely pewter
If I ever only have 3 months to live, I want my ex wife to be with me. That would be the longest 3 months of my life.
wow he looks just like him
If I can only taste 999 islands I’m sending this dressing back.
Baseball glove $150. Baseball bat $250.
Uniform $120.
Cleats $100.
Having my son quit in his first week of little league practice … priceless
Me: don’t be hitting!
Her, 5: I didn’t hit him!
Him, 9: you threw a block at me!
Her, 5: yeah, but I missed!
Any gift I give you in 2024 will be wrapped in leftover Christmas wrapping paper.
New baby? Merry Christmas!
Getting married? Merry Christmas!
Birthday? Merry Christmas!
*asks family what they want from the grocery, no one says a word*
{in checkout lane}
*receives 4 separate food request texts from family*
All of these jokes are gonna be a lot less funny when I die of laundry.
What idiot called it chicken broth when you’re sick and not pharmasoupicals?
*finds $20 in the dryer*
*adds money launderer to my resumé*
corny joke guy that everyone hates: “whats the difference between a piano and a fish? you can tune a piano but you cant-
me: *pulls out my perfectly tuned sardine harp and begins to play Pantera’s “Cowboys From Hell”
Want to binge on sugar but all I’ve got are gummy vitamins so I’m about to get mad healthy
when you order from DoorDastardly
[Pharmacy]
Me: I need 50 packets of condoms
Pharmacist: Somebody has a busy weekend!
*I wink*
*cut to me making raincoats for my pet snakes*
Her: let’s role play
Me: ok you be Mr. Magoo
Her: what?
Me: no his hearing is fine
I got mad at a rock today.
I chopped it in half with my lightsaber.
Now there are two rocks.
Send help. Now.
I want to be the first Disney princess who uses three layers of pizza to suffocate the main villain.
Call me Pizzerella de Mozzarella.
Blind Date: SWEET JESUS I DONT HAVE ANY EYES
Me: Of course you don’t, you’re a date
Blind Date: WHAT
Me: Kind of like a big raisin
Sleep patterns are fascinating. There’s light sleep, where your heart rate slows; deep sleep, where you can’t easily be wakened; and REM sleep, where you lose your religion.
Waiter *looks at empty chair opposite me* are you waiting for a friend?
Me: Yes *lowers voice* is this how you get one?
Kid, texting: MOM I’M HUNGRY!
Mom: *sends food emojis*
Everybody: Jurassic Park is a terrible idea and we are all gonna die violently
John Hammond: You have no vision
[Later, everyone is dead]
John Hammond: The important thing to remember is this is nobody’s fault and none of us could have predicted this
I asked Alexa to play the Encanto soundtrack and I swear I heard her sigh