♫Whip me up, Before you Nae Nae
Don’t leave me hanging on like a Bae Bae♫
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I’m so tired of being jealous of my friends’ successes. It’s unhealthy and only hurts me. From now on, I’m going to focus on what’s really important: enjoying my friends’ failures.
“You know your addiction is bad when you lie and say you’re at the gym when really you’re out shopping” is the title of my autobiography.
“It’s all smoke and mirrors” he said, describing his various drug habits.
Can’t, I’m about to turn 50 and my lower back is almost 83.
I’m quitting drinking for a year.
*I’m quitting. Drinking for a year.
Sorry, punctuation is everything.
Wow, the CIA making jokes on Twitter shows they’re just as human as any other bunch of guys who kidnap people and torture them in secret.
Ours is the house that always has something on the roof that was never intended to be airborne
[Ouija board starts shaking and screeching]
Me: hold on I gotta take this
My teachers always told me drugs were never the answer, but they also told me Pluto was a planet, so now I don’t know what to think.
Text: ARE YOU ALIVE? Me: Why?
my grandfather would be rolling in his grave if we got him the casket he asked for.
a ladybug has entered the household. and i. am on my way to introduce myself
And it was upon finishing my 5th glass of wine that I realised that buying a 16 year old male chimpanzee from Facebook marketplace was the best idea I had ever had.
When somebody unfollows me, I want to go on a shopping spree and walk into their house while holding bags and say, “Big mistake. Big. Huge!”
Pi Day is just a fake holiday created by math companies to sell more math.
If a child’s survival depended on my ability to share bacon, I would weep greasy, bacony tears at that child’s funeral.
*After a dental appointment*
4: Daddy the scientist cleaned my teeth and I don’t have to brush my teeth anymore!
The only way my mother-in-law would approve of our Christmas tree is if I were hanging from it.
Friend: Have you ever experienced a haunting?
Me: I have and it’s unrelenting.
Friend: Sounds awful.
Me: It is. I’m haunted by all of the desserts I never ate.
Friend:
Me: The chocolate cheesecake is the most terrifying.
Son: What’s for dinner?
Me: Cake.
Son: Yay! I want cake!
Me: What are the magic words?
Son: I LOVE YOU MORE THAN I LOVE MOM.
Me: Here ya go.
My favorite part of going to the bathroom are the little notes my 7yo slides under the door saying “we are hungry”
I’ve started an all male cow gang.
Because in life, anything is posse bull !!
I like to take my pants off in the middle of arguments so they end quicker.
“I can’t eat all of that!”
… and other lies I tell
Texting my wife when we were dating – What are you wearing?
Texting my wife now – Did the dog poop?
Someone once told me I can’t say I hate camping if I’ve never been camping but I’ve never been stabbed in the eye and I can say with 100% certainty I would hate it so how’s this any different
[dating game]
GIRL: contestant #1 tell me how u would woo me
ME: woo like in duck tales woo woo or a different type of woo?
G: contestant #2
What an exciting day!
First I’ve found a hat full of money,
then I was chased around town by some weird guy with a guitar.#HatDay #RubbishJokes #DadJokes
Him: Who ate a whole pan of pigs in a blanket??
Me with crescent roll crumbs stuck to my lip: Burglar.
At first I hated this, but my wife forced me to live with it a while, now I love it for some reason.