Love spending a relaxing Sunday curled up with a good book as it sits next to me untouched while I scroll through twitter for three hours
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transition lenses except they work when old ppl ask you why you haven’t had babies yet.
This painting is titled “Mother, May I Sleep with Danger?”
Love your friends, crop dust your enemies in a crowded elevator.
WIFE: I’m tired of you living in a fantasy world
ME: *imagining she’s Kate Upton* You always say that, Kate
WIFE: Who is Kate? WHO IS KATE?
Kids…you can be happy about it being the last day of school, but you’ll never be as happy as the teachers.
I’m not ready for the pandemic to be over…
I have yet to bake a single loaf of bread
Them: Can you imagine jogging—
Me: No
Them: —in this heat
Me:
The projected sales figur-
*phone buzzes*
the proj-
*buzzes again*
*checks phone*
Excuse me for a moment gentelmen I’m being owned online
Shouldn’t the sea be called an isntland?
Sir, I don’t know how you keep getting in here, but again, this is not what a think tank does
My cat just winked at me and now it’s awkward because I only see her as a friend.
gf: u wanna put something dirty on tv
me: *seductively drapes my socks on television*
Of course I will guard your Easter basket from any pillaging by your sisters. Bring it here, honey.
I want my kids to have a fun childhood, but like a lazy, quiet kind of fun that doesn’t cost anything.
I took the liberty of rearranging my husband’s office this week. The tears streaming down his face are all the thanks I need.
{Thomas Edison prank call}
Is your refrigerator running?
“Yes..”
YOU’RE WELCOME!
*click*
“You made your bed now lay in it” doesn’t really sound like a punishment to me. I love laying in a freshly made bed.
And other 5am thoughts
[Elephant at a party] Nice piano!
[me] thanks
[Elephant] What are the keys made of?
[Me] Uhh..
[Rhino appears behind me] Tell him Kyle
M: I’m so glad school started!
12: Can you help me with my math?
M: OMG WHY IS THIS HAPPENING TO ME?!
I’ll complain about the government invading my privacy after I tell you where I am on Facebook and posting what I’m eating on Instagram.
[inventor of frisbee]
“I hate this plate”
him: *dying* avenge me
[later]
widow: ok who put him in the thor costume
I could win awards for having a bad memory.
In fact, I probably did. How would I know.
Remembering that period of time when everyone was hella into parkour, fell onto concrete once, and never tried again.
My dog is home alone for the first time today. I wish I knew how he was doing, but he won’t answer my texts.
I tried to sign up for a streaming service, but it was not Tubi.
@SICKOFWOLVES @funTweeters Can you drive a school bus?
Women love a man who will look at them like nothing else matters, except for when you’re doing it through their bedroom window, apparently.
I’ve consumed so much raw cookie dough the Pillsbury Doughboy made a pass at me.
genie: you can’t wish for more wishes
me: okay, i wish for the best contract lawyer in the world
genie: okay weird but *poof* here’s alan
me: hey alan, find some loophole in this genie’s bylaws that gets me more wishes
alan: *to genie* this is the fifth time this month