A cop just yelled at me and took away my glow sticks. That’s the last time I go to a search party.
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Just slung my bra off & threw it to the other side of the couch where there are already 2 other bras. If my math is right, it’s Wednesday.
Seriously? Nothing in the waiting room but Highlights magazine?
[I get called in 10 minutes later]
Hold on, let me finish this article.
[Heart: Tell her her eyes are windows into eternity, filled with fire…
Brain: Beacons, stars in a vast darkness]
Mouth: HEY GREAT EYEBALLS
They wrote “Kevin” on my coffee cup lol how do you get “Kevin” from “David” not to mention they got my order completely wrong
[grocery produce aisle]
ME: Hi, are these genetically modified carrots?
CLERK: No, why do you ask?
CARROT: Yeah, why do you ask?
When I die, I’m donating my body to pseudoscience. I hope they’ll use it as Bigfoot bait.
71-yr-old Jimmy Page is dating a 25-yr-old. The age difference may seem huge now, but it won’t be as big a deal when she’s 28 and he’s dead.
Sometimes I think I’d do great during a zombie apocalypse. Then I remember that week I went without a microwave and how much I cried.
Sea lions are faster than humans on both land and sea, so if you face one in a triathlon, you really need to make up time on the cycling.
Carp we hit an iceberg!
What am I herring? This scampi true!
Whale I squid you not
Oh cod I can’t die
Waterboat me? You’re so shellfishFin
I dunno who decided on the spelling of bologna, but it’s obvious he had no idea how letters work.
The Scream movies were believable in the 90’s but c’mon, no one with any common sense answers unknown numbers on their phones anymore
My husband knew he couldn’t scare me with that ghost mask, so he held one of my credit cards over the shredder.
My pal said, “Cheer up, you could be stuck underground in a hole full of water.”
I know he means well.
One night stand because my bedroom is narrow.
What this place needs is a revival of the narrator tweets.
Narrator: No, that’s the last thing this place needs.
My dating history is like Halloween. People pretending to be someone they’re not come looking for handouts, then move on to someone else.
I’m sure 4 kids fighting about who found the most eggs at 7 AM is exactly what Jesus had planned for today.
Just finished a show and in need of new entertainment so imma ask the hubs what one thing does he wish he could change about me
I have always been suspicious of Wendy’s hamburgers because they are square; much unlike the round hamburgers one finds in nature.
I went the wrong way down the grocery store aisle and you’d think I was looking at a 10 year prison sentence with the way Karen reacted.
’50 Shades of Grey’ taught me how to please a woman. It’s by writing a shitty book.
I could host an elegant dinner party, but I don’t know enough people with simmering tension over long-held secrets to make it worthwhile.
“that’s not actually your good side” look wal mart photographer I don’t have the energy for you to do me like this today
I’m jealous of Gen Z for missing the era of the “cute top.” I once asked a forum about club outfits ideas and everyone said “jeans and a cute top” and I said “what’s an example of a cute top” and they all just laughed and told me to Google it
[at the drug store]
Employee: May I help you, sir?
Me (nervously): YEAH, I’M LOOKING FOR SOMETHING CALLED A “CHILL PILL”
My hairdresser might not be a therapist, but he is a captive audience.
y’all make fun of men without bed frames but guess who physically can’t have monsters under the bed now, huh?
Me: Has anyone ever told you, you have the softest brown eyes?
Her: No. Besides, my eyes are blue.
Me: No wonder nobody’s ever told you…