Me: You can’t fire me!
My circus boss: Just get in the cannon
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If by “drink responsibly” you mean “buy the booze that’s on sale” then yes, I drink responsibly.
I’m jealous of people who have more than one ab.
I was going to suggest a “moot” button for Twitter, but there doesn’t seem much point now.
George Washington only said “I cannot tell a lie” because he never had to fill out a kid’s reading log.
When I said that you’d always have a place to stay in rough times, I meant like a motel or a shelter. Anyway … You can’t stay here.
I bought some old lady reading glasses as a lark, a laugh, and now my eyes don’t hurt, this isn’t what I wanted
Thanks for using our drive through. Please park over there and wait 20 minutes and someone will bring out 85% of the stuff you ordered.
His hearts in his throat
His lungs in his knee
His stomachs inside out
Frankenstein:*Rubs temples* Igor *sigh*its like ur not even trying
If you’re happy and you know it….it’s the wine.
Teachers at the pre-school ask why I’m in a good mood in the morning…
I’m like, “Duh…did you not see me just leave my kids with you?”
The only time I’ll care about Basketball:
Do you think the rattlesnake is ever embarrassed that he has a stupid baby toy at the end of his string body
GIVE ME FUEL GIVE ME FIRE GIVE ME MILK THAT’S NOT EXPIRED
I never understand why do people whisper at funeral’s ? The most important guy at this party is dead he can’t hear you.
The guy in the stall beside doesn’t know he can shut off his camera shutter…..
My wife spent two weeks deciding what color to paint the bathroom. I got a cat on my 9th birthday and named it Cat.
Stop = Hammer time
Full stop = Grammar time
wife: how is it outside?
me: windy. almost blew one kids hat off and some guy’s trying to figure out how to get his smart car out of a tree
The first thing you must do when arriving at any beach is write I AM OKAY in rocks just to let any planes passing overhead know that you don’t need rescuing.
Feeling authoritative. Gonna comment “behave yourself” under pictures of people just having a good time.
” I made my famous dip for the office party”
You’re a regular Abe Lincoln.
“But he wasn’t a chef”
Exactly
[first date]
Damn girl, are you ordering a third omelette? Then omelette you pay this bill! Lol!
No but seriously I forgot my wallet.
Help your friends diet by replacing the light in their fridge with an air horn.
Optimist: the glass is half full
Pessimist: everything is dying
Him: Im just going to grab a quick beer with Tod after the gym, it shouldn’t take long.
Brain: that seems reasonable, you are not even gonna be home.
Hormones: tell him you hope he lives happily forever after with Tod.
Anyone know any Sausage Biscuits looking for a job?
ME: *being attacked by a werewolf*
ALL OF TWITTER: We don’t deserve dogs.
I have very conflicting feelings about getting murdered because on one hand I’d be dead but on the other hand I’d be making sure female podcasters had content and I love women supporting women
People always talk about having backup Singers and I’m like, why would I need two sewing machines?
Her + Gravity = 2001: A Space Odyssey