She didn’t understand so I took her hands & looked in her eyes & said “I know this is a Starbucks but I just want plain black coffee idiot.”
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My young children are currently screaming because they collectively ate the last two bananas in this house and they both want more.
THIS IS BANANARCHY.
Kind of sad that the most fragile men in the world are required by law to become pro wrestling referees.
me: “£4,000 for a beehive?”
salesman: “sir, there are 8,000 bees in there, that’s only 50p each”
me: [checking my wallet] “give me 3 bees”
Alexa: *deep breath*
Sometimes you just need to burn everything down to start over.. take a deep breath. close your eyes and enjoy the heat..
aaaaaaaaaaaaannnnnnd apparently that’s also arson.
FRIEND: it’s saturday! you know what that means…
ME: hell yeah baby *secretly googles what does saturday mean*
My old WiFi name used to be BoratVoiceMyWifi but I’ve since matured
dog: why can’t I see colors?
me: you’re visually impaired.
dog: what’s impai?
Sir newton: I like them ticcc AF
Students: but sir we can’t write that
Newton: ok then write this “the grater the mass the greater the force of attraction”
You ever wonder what life would be like if you didn’t overthink everything? I think about it all the time
If you’re feeling too good about yourself, go ask a 5 yr old to guess your age. That should even things out.
“Omelet you finish.”
– Kanyegg West
That awkward moment when you try something on in a shop but you don’t know if you can get it off again.
So glad I was weird af in high school cuz now ain’t no one hittin me up to join their pyramid scheme 😌😌
If you’re ever intimidated by someone just imagine them opening a capri sun
Call your laptop what it really is: Bed TV.
– Boss, we’re out of hands. Should we give the penguins wings?
– We’re short on wings too. Give them this.
– But that’s neither wings nor hands.
– Not our problem.
ME, my last day as a doctor: Sir, your sugar is dangerously high. You need to eat less… *checking the notes on my hand*… crabs.
If Amazon boxes become the currency of the post-apocalyptic world my family will be rich.
Get your ski mask. We’re pulling off a popsicle factory heist. I got the strawberry shortcakes. Leave no creamsicle behind.
The Macarena was just a tutorial on how to fold a sweater.
*birds dress Cinderella for school*
*gets to school, goes into bathroom*
*buncha rabid squirrels gather and re-dress her in goth shit*
The greatest ending to a video game to ever exist.
A lot of childhood characters weren’t so much beloved as there wasn’t anything else on the tv
I just walked into my bedroom and said to my husband, “I can’t believe you forgot what day today is,” then walked out and slammed the door.
God: welcome to heaven!
Me: but i didn’t believe in you.
God: yeah i get that a lot.
Me: so… we’re all good then?
God: lmao no I just wanted to do this *reaches for lever*
[watching TV on couch]
Me: Think you’ve got enough blankets on you? I can’t even see you, ha ha.
Her: …
Me: I said, do you think you have enough blankets on you?
Her: …
Me: I’m just talking to a pile of blankets, aren’t I?
Pile of blankets: …
Some people say America is obese, but I blame our flag. Everyone knows that horizontal stripes make you look fatter.
As I exposed my glorious chest hairs & catapulted toward the Velcro wall, I realized that I had no exit strategy.