I think abs are for guys that don’t have the confidence to wear a nice T-shirt to the pool.
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They called me hysterical, and I laughed and laughed and laughed and laughed and laughed and laughed and laughed and laughed and laughed
[Batman at McDonald’s]
What’s your chicken sandwich called?
-A McChicken
And the rib?
-A McRib
[pulls out his batwallet] I like your style.
“Hey Babe, wake up. We’re back in Louisiana.”
Wait …
“El Chapo” is a Mexican drug lord ….
and not the guy who’s been stealing
our Chapsticks for years ?
Let he who is without sin, get the hell away from me.
“I love you. I’d do anything for you.”
-let me see your phone real quick
“You’re smothering me. I need some space”
Must be nice to only have body issues once a year.
Tried a smile yesterday and my white blood cells attacked it.
Welcome to IKEA. I see you need a new Fyrkantig for your Dagstorp.
Me:How do you pronounce that?
*sound of corduroy pants rubbing together
Stop letting your dogs piss on fire hydrants. Some of us use those for parkour.
HER: Did you eat my Milk Duds?
ME: *silently chews for 7 minutes, finally swallows* first of all, i don’t appreciate your accusations
I was going to buy my wife a car for Christmas but then I remembered I don’t live in a commercial.
The key to a successful marriage is letting things go. I’ve started with myself.
A girl called me “sir” today and I was so angry I took off my suit of armor and stormed out of Medieval Times.
Sock seller: sorry, no Christmas discounts
Centipede grandma: please I have 1 grandchildren
Men only want ONE THING and it’s to have a portrait hidden in their attic that becomes ugly and twisted while they remain young and beautiful forever
Dear Abby,
How long should you feel obligated to date someone after they’ve given you the Heimlich?
Her: I want you to kill my ex but make it seem like an accident
Me: say no more
[Later]
Detective: looks like the killer beat him to death with a crowbar and then placed a banana peel by his feet
“You made your bed now lay in it” doesn’t really sound like a punishment to me. I love laying in a freshly made bed.
And other 5am thoughts
A group of crows is called a murder. A group of people walking slowly in front of me at the store is called a motive.
I really don’t get Astrology but I just hope my daughter stays a Virgo until she’s at least 18.
God: [creating Guy Fieri] “Hand me a head.”
Angel: We’re out of human heads.
God: “Hand me a pineapple.”
[job interview]
Me: Time travel
Boss: What is your biggest stren—WHAT?!
HIM: Hi, I’m Bill.
ME: Hi, I’m…oh shit this is embarrassing. I’m not really good with names.
By far the dumbest thing I’ve made
I need a Valentine’s Day card that says, “Sorry we keep almost-divorcing during the pandemic.”
Apparently, it’s considered bad form to bring their luggage to the graduation ceremony.
Apparently ‘gravy’ is not an acceptable answer to the question, “What would you like to drink with your meal?”.
Finished stitching this today 😇