HER: can I take a quick peek at your privates?
SERGEANT: *looks into barracks* ok but most of them are asleep
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This morning I woke up with the thought “I wish there was a way for me to create vegetables at home…”
And so I jammed out on that idea for a while until I realized I had just invented farming.
TALL GUY: 6 feet, 4 inches.
ME: Wow! I only have two feet, but they’re regular sized.
mobster substitute teacher: so you see, the rats sleep with the fishes
kids: *nervously flipping through their zoology books*
me: (calls out the wrong name during sex)
gf: who the hell is waluigi
Hey tampon makers, can I get a silent tampon wrapper please? Sounds like I’m opening a bag of Sun Chips up in here.
No Brett, I didn’t even read that email. I’m not speaking to you because I overheard your Starbucks order this morning.
Hey guys. Stop touching your wife’s pregnant belly in pictures. We get it, you came in her.
I have obtained a hat
Me: one man’s trash is another man’s treasure
Garbage truck driver: are you seriously doing an Italian job on a garbage truck?
Maybe the caveman who discovered fire was wearing corduroys and running late for a meeting.
All out of clean spoons so I guess I’ll just eat this fat free yogurt with my gun.
I wish my wife’s milkshakes brought the boys to the yard. I need someone to rake the leaves.
What I try to explain you, is that I do know you have very good big cups in this nice coffee shop, but I’m emotionally attached to this bucket, could you fill it up with your excellent coffee, please
[writing in my journal about the girl I like]
Her hair was soft like really soft hair, her lips surrounded her mouth all the time.
ME: You coming to the party?
FRIEND: Will it be rad?-
M: -ish.
F: I guess I’ll come.
[Later at the radish party]
F: I think I misunderstood
*Breaks glass to steal Mona Lisa*
You crazy? Security will hear us
Security: HEY, WHAT’S GOING ON UP THERE?
NOTHING
Security: ALRIGHT
Is that a burrito in your pocket or are you happy to see me?
I’m cool if it’s a burrito.
RIP cat who thought sunglasses would stop Medusa
haha same
[1st date]
-I’m a fish whisperer.
Wow, what does that mean?
-*whispers* Fish.
Oh… Haha um what do you-
-*whispers right in her ear* Fish.
I’m crying and wearing a falcon glove so I get sympathy sex from people who think my falcon flew away.
*reading law book* oh no I think I’m in a common law marriage with Taco Bell
GENIE: You have three wishes.
ME: I wish I had a million dollars.
GENIE: Granted. You had a million dollars.
Me: I’m not interested in this tweet
Twitter: Idgaf
I never know what to do when someone tries to fist bump me, so I just slowly put their fist in my mouth
I just tried to make coffee with my air fryer, so TGIF
Women are like jelly donuts.
No… women are more like a danish.
On 2nd thought, they’re like a giant cookie.
Sorry, I’m at the Bakery.
how are we still getting a new year? we couldn’t even take care of the last one
6yo: I got dressed, took my vitamins and got my cereal.
Me: My baby is all grown up, she doesn’t need me anymore! [Sobbing]
6yo: Ummmm well I still can’t spell supercalifragilisticexpialidocious!
Me: ᴺᵉᶦᵗʰᵉʳ ᶜᵃⁿ ᴵ [sobbing]
harsh writing advice: you’re not a writer if you aren’t making up your own words. if you’re just taking preexisting words and mixing up the order to form sentences and stories? you’re a DJ