Is it still a walk of shame if I’m leaving my own house?
It ain’t like I’m proud of what happened in there.
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Me: I don’t like where this is going
Driver: You ordered this Uber!
Spent way too much time walking around the house trying to track down an odd noise that turned out to be a whistle in my nose.
not to get all political on here but i’m pretty sure strawberry and blueberry pop-tarts taste exactly the same.
The fishmonger at our local market is always pretty unfriendly.
I’d describe him as a little standoffish.
Eating Tums is just sage-burning for your intestines.
If you can’t handle me at my worst you don’t deserve to throw rocks at glass houses where I roll but collect no moss.
Doctor: How did you get this black eye?
Me: Walked into a door
Doc: Really?
Me: I was using my phone lying down and dropped it on my face
when dads have a rap battle
Finally found the perfect background for my zoom meetings
Do emojis hide????
I can’t find an emoji I know is suppose to be there on the keyboard… Where is it?
(meanwhile someone thinks am typing paragraphs yet just looking for the one emoji 🙈)
doc: i think you’re dying
me: I want a second opinion
doc: i think it’s great
just gave your address to some spiders
Men and women can be ‘just friends’ if one of them is a ghost.
[About to invent coffee]
Guy: I’m gonna squeeze that bean so hard
Friend: You okay Greg?
*turns on alarm*
Alarm: I have a headache
Sex scenes in movies are okay but the audience MUST BE WARNED. A red flashing light, words on the screen saying WARNING: SEX SCENE AHEAD and a loud ‘awooga! awooga!’ type siren would be a good start
“Sure Chief, you can join us for dinner this year. But in the future, you’re gonna need reservations.”
-Pilgrims, at the first Thanksgiving
Ah to be a little slug on a day like today. The rain is out. No cares in the world. Time for slime.
Wife: “Oh Honey, what would you do without me?”
Me: “realistically or in my fantasies?”
Party guest: Where should I put these kale chips and cauliflower?
Me: There’s a bag for garbage under the sink.
Don’t spend money on body modification. If you wait long enough, your body modifies itself for free.
That wasn’t a typo. I’m into creative spelling.
It’s no coincidence that those really terrifying scenes in horror movies often use children’s voices
The horn quit working in my truck, so I’m hanging out of the window revving this chainsaw at pedestrians.
Just got your text from last night: you need to cut the red wire first to stop the countdown.
“You’re saying it’s all an act?
Chewbacca: Indubitably, my good man.
If you don’t believe nature abhors a vacuum, you should see how my dog reacts to the Roomba.
This year, teach your kids the true meaning of Easter by trapping them in a stone tomb for three days.
no april fools jokes for us as we are in the middle of a pandemic. having said that, goofy has died.