I can usually tell when a movie doesn’t use real dinosaurs.
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Starbucks? Yes I’d like a tepid mug of milk froth please. My name’s Adam, but you can call me Aldin.
Just heard a little boy call his mom “mother,” as if both had already accepted the fact that he’d become a serial killer some day.
ME: hell yeah I’m into Dune 2. Dune 2 others as you’d have them Dune 2 you!
JESUS: *descends from heaven* stop that
4yo: let me smell your eyelashes!
Me:…ok
4yo:smells like spiders. What if they eat your face?
Me: this is how nightmares are born.
Convicted of murdering the English language, he was sentenced to death by elocution.
Jehovah’s Witness: Hello, sir. Have you given any thought to the afterlife?
Me: Depends. Are you gonna be there?
Jehovah’s Witness: Why yes-
Me: *slams door*
Nothing says “I love you mom” like my 6yo asking me who gets my iPad when I die.
me: want to go hunting this weekend?
friend: sure i’m game.
me: oh then you probably shouldn’t come.
*hitler leans in close to the mic* and the next person to question me gets executioned
*grammar nazi bites lip*
ME: it probably seems weird but I prefer to pee sitting down
THERAPIST: get the hell off my lap
A family friend recently died, and it got me thinking. Today I’m going to collect all the money people owe me before it’s too late.
the worst part of facing the final boss in any video game is when he makes you fill out the self-evaluation portion of your performance review beforehand
Today is my favorite holiday of all. Happy I swear this top fit two weeks ago! to all who celebrate
Mall Cop: The guy from Jersey Shore stole a spray tan kit. He’s running up the escalator.
[static]
MC: THE SITUATION IS ESCALATING RAPIDLY
I just had a near death experience
Death: I SAID 6 FEET, GODAMIT
BEARDED DRAGON: So, what do you think?
SMAUG: Get rid of it. You look ridiculous.
I’m going to adopt a tapeworm. Perfect pet, cheap to feed, doesn’t pee, bark, chew stuff or sit on your head. Best bit, it makes you skinny.
If you can’t be fun to be around then please be a drug dealer
“Oooo, a window. Let’s see if I can fly through it.” – Dumbass birds
*robbing a bank with a chainsaw*
Me: GIVE ME ALL Y-
Teller: WHAT
M: GIVE ME THE MONEY
T: SIR YOU CAN’T HAVE THAT IN HERE
M: WHAT
My fridge just screamed “OH JESUS, WHAT NOW?” at me as I opened its door.
mobster substitute teacher: so you see, the rats sleep with the fishes
kids: *nervously flipping through their zoology books*
Since it would take human contact to get Ebola. Everyone on Twitter is safe.
SCARY COSTUME
as a teen: secretly drinking in the park with friends.
as an adult: secretly drinking in the park with squirrels.
Running into someone you know on the beach is awkward. It’s like, “hey remember when we used to work together ten years ago?” Now we’re talking to each other with our shirts off.
Sorry I’m breaking up with you but you have terrible taste in women
Don’t waste your hard earned money on escape rooms when you can simply walk into an Ikea the wrong way.
Me: i am not being ratatouilled by a mcnugget
The McNugget Rattatoulleing Me: PUT UR HAND IN THE DEEP FRIER
[HR office]
Do you know why we called you in today?
To give me a pay rise?
No.
Because I googled ‘How to burn down office’ 600 times?
Yes.