My kid keeps asking if we can buy school merch, and sir you are 7 and that is a t-shirt
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Why is it called a knuckle sandwich, and not fist food?
Me:
Goes to bed early
Gets 8 hours of sleep.
Eats healthy breakfast.
Takes a hot shower.
Listens to great music on the walk to work.Colleagues: “You look tired.”
[fire alarm]
Hotel California manager: oh no
The children seemed disappointed when I told them the best part about being an adult is going to bed early.
“I MUST tell you,” said a lady with breathless excitement, stopping us suddenly as we walked down Bermondsey Street last night, “I MUST tell you that you are wearing the same clothes as that building.” and skipped off
*runs out of toilet paper*
“Good bye, infinity scarf”
Part of fatherhood is becoming an expert in some obscure topic and teaching it to your children who stopped listening 30 minutes ago.
Quarantine, day 14. Me and my boyfriend spent the whole day setting up an art gallery for our gerbil.
i raised my dog to treat all people as equals
whether they be grey, grey, grey or grey
ham: accepted, non-offensive
hamn: curse, extremely forbidden
Cop: We’re going to charge you with battery
Terminator: Oh you’re a life saver, I’m on 3%
my husband told me that i kept making really irritated expressions when he would say things and he was like “good lord WHY do you look so annoyed??????” and it was then that i realized that my botox has worn off 💀
The only thing that can stop a bad guy with a hot glue gun is a good guy with a hot glue gun.
Me: Why are you in such a bad mood?
5-year-old: I haven’t had my coffee.
Me: You’ve never had coffee.
5-year-old: Exactly.
I refuse to eat spaghetti in front of someone new until I’m sure that our relationship can survive the spectacle
I would argue that a small puppy is more work than a newborn baby because imagine if you had to pick up your son and run outside for him to poop in the yard every time he got a certain look in his eye and half the time all he did was attempt to eat every stick out there
I’ve met all my fitness goals by integrating a balanced diet of lower standards.
Me: I have a Black Belt
Her: Karate?
Me: Faux leather. 40”
My dad lost his job at the cemetery yesterday. He buried someone in the wrong plot. It was a grave mistake.
My kid sneezes and if you aren’t quick enough with “bless you” he says, “don’t worry I’m okay” in the most condescending tone ever uttered by a 2 year old
She’s a 10 which makes it hard for her to find decent shoes.
Me: people never seem to remember meeting me.
Therapist: it’s amazing how the brain deals with trauma.
Me: I’m having a problem with my computer:
IT guy: Have you tried punching it?
Me: That’s the first thing I tried. I’m not an idiot.
we had no idea the Scorpion Team would be so aggressive
Wife: So what are you going to do in retirement?
Me: My dream is to have my own taco truck.
Wife: You want to run a business?
Me: Business?
as a baby i drank gin and now i eat pine trees no problem. my brother on the other hand, didnt start drinking gin til he was 22 and everyday he struggles eating his pine tree
“Is that a serial killer downstairs or just my pet?”
– the fun game that all cat owners get to play at 3am
and now we wait
a•c•q•u•a•i•n•t•a•n•c•e•s (tv show, sitcom): six peopel avoid grabbing a cup of coffee together for 10 years
[restaurant]
Me: I’m gonna run into their kitchen and grab some extra cheese
Her: … you definitely don’t have permission
Me: It’s actually pronounced parmesan