I got so excited about my new pill box that now Alexa won’t stop suggesting assisted living facilities.
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The woman beside me is reading a cocktail recipe book like a novel and I’m pretty sure I found my soul mate.
“How about I throw in some IKEA furniture?” I say, to Sweden the deal.
Me: I am become death. Destroyer of worlds.
Her: Will you please just spray the hornets’ nest?
Me: K.
My son was awake early and I told him “Happy Easter.” He said he thought that was last week. In his defense though, I did bake a ham and give him a bag of Cadbury mini eggs last week… when I thought it was Easter.
Me when dead:
Yay! No more worrying about appearance or keeping fit or any of that crap!Me a second later:
Wait – WHY THE HELL AM I STILL THINKING?
When two people miss a high five two ghosts get smacked in the face
I should get paid a lot more for being the boss of me
The enemy of my enemy is my friend unless they don’t dance and if they don’t dance well they’re no friend of mine.
[trying extremely hard not to say it]
deviled egg nog
I hope Hell freezes over soon. A few women have promised me dates when it happens.
Name fifty reasons you think I’m too demanding.
There is so much going on in this video … I don’t know who to focus on 😂😂😂 hilarious
The fox I planted last year is coming along nicely.
Someone punctured my boss’s tires and I’m definitely gonna tell him about it, but first let me put the nail gun back in the backpack.
when i say i like when older men tell me what to do i am talking about yoda and his teachings
warranty company said my claim was denied because the tear on our couch is a seam tear and not an actual rip or tear. so i’m going to give my 5yo a steak knife and let him be near the couch for a second.
The guys who measure out the granite so it fits nicely in your kitchen were prob mad when they found out the term counterfeiters was taken
Future generations will never have to live in unprecedented times, because we’re precedenting the Hell out of everything right now.
Farmers are always so proud of themselves until you ask if they can put the milk back in the cow
My yoga instructor said “sometimes not moving is the hardest thing for us to do,” and I started laughing so hard I had to excuse myself.
One of my favorite lies to tell myself is that a blueberry muffin is substantially more nutritious than a chocolate chip muffin.
INTERVIEWER: According to your resume, you like to “move it move it.”
ME: That’s correct.
I: It goes on like for… 30 pages.
M: And?
[Airport Bar]
Me: I’ll have a beer, please.
Bartender: That’ll be $45.
Me: Worth it.
Day One, living in one of those tiny houses: “Well, isn’t this quaint?”
Day Two: Murder
alexa mow my grass with an upside down helicopter
[first time picking up the tab]
her: don’t forget to leave a tip
me: ah yes *scribbles ‘don’t do drugs’ on receipt*
I hate everything
STOP PUTTING DIARRHOEA MEDICATION ON THE BOTTOM SHELF
whoever named them missiles wasn’t very optimistic
With every passing day the gap between being a negligent cook and being an arsonist gets a little smaller. Soon I should be able to take out a whole block with a strategic “trying this new egg recipe.”