New bird feeders are only attracting low quality dirt birds. How do I get eagles and swans and shit? Two out of five stars.
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I left my accordion in the car and forgot to lock it. By the time I got back, it was too late. There were four accordions in there
I’ve never read Catcher In The Rye, mostly because I can’t stand cereals or baseball.
There’s a big difference between seminary school and semenary school.
* Aggressively aggresses your aggressions into aggressivity. *
[during sex]
Can you please take your Fitbit off.
Maybe a ninja is fighting a chameleon right in front of you.
Ever think of that??
This year I’m printing my Christmas cards on trash bags to save everyone the extra step
I stopped smoking cigarettes six years go.
I eat them now.
i BuILt a dEViCE sO yOu CAn efFoRTLesSly sEnD PasSIvE agGreSsiVe emAILs liKE tHiS.
Me: *points to donut case*
Her: How many would you like, ma’am?
Me: Yes.
Hypnotist: [crying in a corner] why aren’t you getting sleepy!?
3 year old: I’m thirsty
Baby Lawyer: Did you steal the victim’s nose?
Accused: No. *cries into palms
Baby Judge: O, great, he’s disappeared again.
Unfortunately I’ve determined that sucking up is part of human nature because it works and yes my boss DID look very nice today…
Exercise workout videos always have the person smiling. I would rather have a video where the lead person is complain cussing the whole time and saying things like Why are we doing this? This is horrible.
It’s all fun and games until someone from real life recognizes you and you realize you’re too small to drag off the body.
boss: where have you been for the past seven days
me: in bed
boss: but i said sleep was for the weak
goldilocks was so stupid for not wanting to sleep in a bed too big for her. oh nooo i’m tooo comfy!! shut up
Stray dog: digs through garbage all day to find one piece of food to survive.
My dog: eats one piece of new kibble and vomits because it’s not his favorite brand. Goes on a hunger strike.
The evolutionary process has created crabs five independent times throughout the course of history. Humans are not the pinnacle of evolution. Evolution wants crabs.
I’m boycotting 50 Shades of Grey because it perpetuates the stereotype that men can change.
Ski instructor: this is a dangerous sport. One mistake could lead to a broken leg
Horse: I want to go home
Shouldn’t Spiderman have 4 more legs?
The key to a successful marriage is a sense of humor. For example, I make a joke about my husband and he laughs, and he makes a joke about me and I get the bed all to myself.
If you’re about to be turned into stone by Medusa, strike a hilarious pose and at least lighten things up for the next guy.
*Running late
*Light turns green but car in front wont go
*About to honk when reads bumper sticker: honk if you love disco
*Is late for work
Even on your worst days, an identity thief wants to be you more than you want to be yourself and that’s beautiful
[girl at a restaurant starts choking on her food]
me: [to the waitress] I’ll have what she’s having 😉
I flunked out of flight attendant school.
I was told to disarm the doors, so I said they looked fabulous and were clearly going places.
I have days when wearing a hat is the only use I have made of my head.