My 4yo knows I’m hard to wake in the night
Unfortunately he also knows using his stuffed toy to wack me in the face a few times does the trick
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Bella always knew her human wasn’t particularly sophisticated but red wine with tilapia really was the final straw.
The Internet is like my My Brain – filled with shopping and porn
A mom hits peak passive aggressive when faced with the request “tell me a story”
Well Billy, once upon a time there was a little boy who literally never picked up his shit
Me: Good news, the pastor said I’m never going to die.
Friend: He said you’re IMMORAL, not immortal.
Me: He also said I’ll be super hot forever.
Friend: He said you’ll burn in Hell for eternity.
It’s not easy to find someone who has their shit together, but when I do I avoid them at all costs.
I should start a wine company and name the bottles things like “don’t be sad” “he’s not worth it” “you deserve better”!
tell your crush that you love them before
Pete Davidson will.
who said “fortune favors the prepared” instead of “ready player won”?
omfg i HATE when kids scream in public… u have no real problems. it should be me screaming. ME
[job interview]
“Tell me about yourself”
*flashback to when I used hand towels mom said are specifically for guests*
I’m a risk taker
Teens think they have an all-purpose insult for uncool people over 30 with “OK boomer”, but little do they know uncool people over 30 are about to deploy our most devastating weapon against it: ruthlessly appropriating it until it’s cringingly uncool to say it in any circumstance
[Dog office]
Dog 1: excuse me this is my desk – I pissed on it so..
Dog 2: I just pissed higher on it
D1: son of a
D2: SON OF A WHAT, DAVID?
I’d like to announce that in 2020 I’ll be running for John Mayer.
Just gonna catch up and tackle him.
Of course I can cook.
What kind of cereal would you like?
Him: If I am the King of Diamonds *pulls out ring*, will you be my Queen of Hearts?
Me: Put that away before you meet the Queen of Clubs
[on the couch having tea]
Me: this is nice.
Anxiety: SUSPICIOUSLY NICE.
I don’t ask for much but can someone please take away the share function on Wordle?
ME: *moistens lips with tongue*
DENTIST: don’t ever do that to me again
one time a kid at recess said i couldnt actually dig a hole to china, i said “Watch me” then walked away. i avoided him the rest of the year
Shout out to the zillow listing where someone was just like eff it, the giant bottle of vodka stays in the kitchen pic
Make sure you know what you’re getting tonight…#HAPPYHALLOWEEN. #GirlCode
Pilot: welcome aboard
Fighter pilot: [right hook]
“Oh my god I can’t believe someone would pronounce my name exactly how it’s spelled!!!”
– people with stupid names
*Killer sneaks into my house to murder me but sees me practicing karate w/ my big stuffed dog I won from the carnival and changes his mind*
(At the dentist)
‘Your grinding isn’t good.’
Excuse me! I’ve never had a man complain before.
lmfao
My wife and I can’t agree on appropriate gardening attire. But she’s digging in her heels.
Someone should have warned me, that when you have kids, they talk to you, like, ALL. THE. TIME.
There’s a seagull standing near the people waiting for the grocery store to open, and I kind of want to see where this goes.