I like to play 20 Questions with my kids but I always ask the questions and every question is “Will you please stop that?”
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It’s not illegal to get in a taxi and scream until you’ve reached your destination.
I’m starting to think that this $49.95 “Landmarks of Europe Tour” might be bullshit.
3 days ago I put a sign on my door that said “I’ll be back in 20 minutes”.
Nobody has bothered me since and I’m never taking it down.
“This has got to be the most boring reality show concept of all ti… wait, did they say TORNADO?”
– Me, totally not getting The Weather Channel
Everyone’s a badass until Mufasa dies.
[creepy mansion]
ME: That portrait is watching us
MAN: No way
ME: [goes right up to portrait] I’m vegan
PORTRAIT: [rolls eyes]
ME: I knew it
At this point, I think the people on “The Walking Dead” are trying to bore the zombies into not biting them.
I don’t care how hardcore you are. If you don’t cry when Dumbo visits his mommy in elephant jail, you have no soul.
A dating site for olds like me called Carbon Dating.
Me: this is bullshit. conditioner and shampoo in one? impossible
Walmart employee who I have in a headlock: sir I didn’t make the shampoo
Me: oil change plz
Toyota: it’ll be $39
Me: cool heres my $2 off coupon4 hrs later
T: ur steering wheel fell off total is $2900 sign here
FRIEND: To get out of a ticket, just make the cop laugh.
[later]
COP: Do you know why I pulled you over?
ME: Uh oh here comes the tickle monster
God: You get all the animals in?
Noah: Yeah except for the chameleons, they creep me out
*The walls turn red and start hissing*
Noah: Oh no
My Sister: My baby doesn’t sleep! The books say newborns sleep 16 hours a day!
Me: Unfortunately, some babies don’t read those books.
fair
I used to be God’s gift to women but now I’m God’s gift to the clickbait advertising industry.
Am I in my mid 30s? Yes.
Will I ever stop ending professional phone calls with “bye-bye”? NO.
Guy getting on elevator in my office building..” Going Down?”
Me: “No, but I’ve got time for a hug”
The cynicism of those who urge me not to do what I can to help the Nigerian royal family.
Son: what’s the term for animals that come out in the dark?
Me: party?
judge: please, rephrase the question
yoda lawyer:
I’ve shenanned before… and I’ll shenanigan
“Chantal, is the indicator working?”
“Yes. Wait, no. Now again yes. No. Yes. No.”#FridayMorning #RubbishJokes
Me: I prefer telling outside jokes.
Coworker: Don’t you mean inside jokes?
Me: Not to you
PRINCESS PEACH: oh Mario I have terrible news
MARIO: what is it
PRINCESS PEACH: Luigi is dead!
MARIO: who?
PRINCESS PEACH: *sighs and pinches bridge of her nose* green you is dead
MARIO: oh no!
They charge you for the groceries and then they charge you for the toilet paper when you turn the groceries into poop. Open your eyes
My wife said if she heard me chewing one more time, she was going to murder me. So I stole the batteries from her hearing aids.
Me: alright early to bed
Brain: nice
Me: need a good night sleep
Brain: rest is important
Me: don’t go saying shit to keep me awake all night
Brain: I won’t
Me: …
Brain: …
Me: …
Brain: …
Me: you still awake?
Brain: my guy if you’re awake I’m awake we been thru this
Inside of you are two wolves. Inside of me are twenty one insane weasels. We are not the same