My refrigerator died. In lieu of flowers, a new fridge would be nice.
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Apparently, if you put a possum in the mailbox, you’ll get a new mailman…
My wife still brings up that one time in 2013 I was indecisive about which shirt to wear, after her water broke
My 4yo saw a squirrel eating an apple and asked if he could eat an apple. So now I’m feeding the squirrel organic carrots and broccoli.
Nice try, poison.
*at Thanksgiving dinner*
Me: One of you is eating poison green bean casserole.Everyone: *gasp*
Me: Just kidding you all are.
You can choose to ignore a diarrhea joke, but you can’t outrun it.
You know when two cops park their cars facing opposite directions so they can talk to each other through their driver-side windows? That’s called a 6-9-1-1.
[about to climb Mt. Everest]
Me: omg is there no parking ?
An air mattress is great when you want to sleep on the floor but not right away.
If my memory serves me, the last time I was someone’s type, I was donating blood.
I really think Miracle Whip lowered the bar for what constitutes a miracle.
Parrots can live to be 75 years old *makes eye contact with parrot* …but not if they keep repeating the refrain to “Lime In the Coconut”
‘Pumpkin’ has got to be the weirdest pet name. How do you look at the person you cherish and adore and decide to call them the second largest squash in North America?
[first date]
Him: I love Asian girls
Me: [trying to act all Asian]
*smiles
*starts sweating
*attempts to pick up chopsticks
*fumbles
*chopstick goes flying
*stabs him in the eyeHim: No, not like that
Some women are called sirens I’m more of an annoying doorbell
[Date]
(don’t let her know you’re an alien larva)Her: I wonder where he is?
*I burst through her chest*
Me: Did you order yet? I’m starved
I picked up some socks off the floor and my 4yo said, “I was just going to do that.” Now I’m waiting for him to start asking why there are so many lights on in this house
*sees cute baby*
Everyone: omg I want oneMy ovaries, taking a drag of a cigarette: ya’ll hear something?
My whole life was a lie.
me: raises hell
Hell: put me back down!
I act like I’m ok, but really this hummus is a bit spicier than I anticipated.
live, laugh, laundry.
I’m disgusted by the amount of nudity on Netflix these days. There’s hardly any. What am I even paying for?
8 is addicted to the iPad and he asked where it was at tonight and I said it’s in my car in the garage. He said ok and then I said hopefully the dead woman that lives in the garage won’t get him. Now we’re about to find out how much he wants it.
Honey is one of my favorite kinds of animal vomits to eat.
[god creating elephant]
“overfeed that aardvark”
I hate corporate lingo. Stuff like “core competency” or “design out the problem” or “I’m gonna need you to go ahead and do some work today”
PESSIMIST: Dark tunnel.
OPTIMIST: Light at the end of the tunnel.
REALIST: A train.
TRAIN OPERATOR: 3 idiots standing on the tracks.
wife: What would you do if 9 told you he was gay?
me [looking for the remote] Ask him if he’s seen the remote
Boss: Stop copy and pasting responses from previous emails
Me: sounds good
Sent from my iPhone
Sent from my iPhone