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Last time I went trick or treating, a high school bully stole my candy. Later I heard he spent 10yrs in prison which is totally unbelievable because I didn’t press charges.
Ive started investing in stocks… Mainly beef, chicken and vegetables. One day I hope to be a bouillonaire.
If I drop something in the toilet, it’s gone forever. I am not going in after it. Just ask my daughter. Oh, that’s right, you can’t.
Teacher: Your daughter is doing so well at school we’d like to move her forward a year.
Me: *whispering* oh my god they invented time travel.
Disney say they’re going to make Mickey Mouse’s hands smaller for “realism”.
Well, not on my watch.
[my first attempt at standup]
ME: So, I was at the gym the other day…
MY STALKER (from the back): lol no you weren’t
In France they call Mr. Bean Monsieur Legume
My fiancee knows that I would kill for her, and it’s really annoying that she hasn’t asked me to yet.
:# <— emoticon for “I’m eating a brillo pad”
They named it Galaxy Note because when you take this thing out of your pocket, the entire Galaxy can note that it’s been taken out.
American: We’re really not that gun-obsessed.
Brit: Where did you get that t-shirt.
American:
Brit:
American: FROM A CANNON BUT THAT’S NOT THE POINT
anyone at the gym with no headphones is training to avenge someone’s death
me: why do you think my parents don’t love me?
therapist: they’re pretty clear about it in the group chat
me: the what
I had a pretty confused childhood because I thought obituaries are actually advertisements selling dead people.
this holiday season i simply wish for everyone to have the gift of happiness, like the extremely misplaced happiness of a high schooler who just graduated and thinks the hardest part of life is finally over
I’ve said it before. If Clifford was a Big Red Cat, everyone would be dead.
A mom at my son’s baseball game was drinking beer in the stands and what kind of message is she sending to all these young impressionable kids by openly enjoying an adult beverage and not sharing with all the adults sitting by her
Good news, I don’t have the virus. Bad news, I can still taste my cooking.
How to wake up a Beagle
You spin me right round, baby, right round…
~ my Roomba at night probably
I love the way everyone who uses hand sanitizer looks like they’re hatching some kind of evil plan.
I hate when you lose all that progress you made at the gym by going 6-7 years between workouts.
Her: YOU’RE A PIECE OF SHIT!
Me: Well… at least I’m not all of the shit
(First Day as Mailman)
ME: *wearing a suit made out of stapled together pieces of mail* Sup?
BOSS: You’re supposed to deliver those.
ME: No.
Children are the future. Cuz in the present, they’re hella annoying
When she rips his shirt open in the movies, it’s sexy and romantic. But when I try it, he’s all “Your Pap smear is normal, but please don’t do that with your toes every time”.
I’m going to name my daughter Chilada so that when her siblings have children, they will call her Aunt Chilada.
Nothing good ever comes after: “I’m not trying to be creepy, but…”
[Ninja Dojo]
Me: Sensei, how will I know when I am ready?
Sensei: When you are seen no more than your selfies on IG, then you will be ninja.
friend: you’re saying an alien pulled you onto his ship, examined you, and threw you back?
fish: that’s exactly what I’m saying