[someone breaks into my house] excuse me, we take our shoes off in this house
You Might Also Like
People: Let us know if you need help!
Me: Okay I need help
People:
My doctor says I shouldn’t brush my teeth. I guess that’s why he’s not a dentist
[Listening to Hungry Like the Wolf]
10yo: When did this come out?
Me: Hmm…’82?
10: 19 or 18?
Me:…
“Failure is how you grow.”
– my bathroom scale, picking the wrong motivational quote
I’m not interested in your cat unless it’s on its 8th life and about to do something incredibly stupid.
Little known trivia:
If you go to Ikea without your significant other, the store will provide you someone to fight with, free of charge.
Heart: Go get her.
Mind: It’s so risky.
Body: Does this recliner vibrate?
i hate when my iPhone corrects “omw” to “On my way!” bro i am not that excited
[On the way home from school pick-up]
Me: So, what did you do at school today?
9: I burned down everything that exists.
5: No you didn’t! Then why is that fence there? Why am I here?
9: I also trapped my brother in a world of make-believe.
My Cat: REMEMBER THE PACTS FORGED BETWEEN OUR PEOPLES LONG AGO.
Me: Stop it, it’s 6 in the morning.
Cat: YOU PLEDGED ETERNAL SERVITUDE.
Me: I did not.
Cat: IN EXCHANGE WE WOULD COME TO YOUR AID IN YOUR HOUR OF NEED.
Me: I’m not feeding you.
Cat: REMEMBER THE PACTS.
maybe my dad is at the other end of this cvs receipt
I always enjoy when pharmaceutical ads play “Walking On Sunshine” while joyfully listing their drug’s 700 horrendous side effects.
trying to convince my wife to stop leaving out food for the scarecrow that ominously gets a little closer to the house each night
[first day as lifeguard]
Kid: *waving dramatically*
Me: hey are u waving at me or those kids behind me?
Can’t wait until my wife hears that someone tried to throw a wood-mounted singing largemouth bass in the garbage because it ran out of batteries
CHRIS: hey can I borrow a ten
KRISTEN: sure
CHRISTEN: thank you
KRIS: anytime
Our family has a tradition of opening presents on live video so the kids can be disappointed in real time.
Chattanooga is my favorite town that sounds like an old-timey car horn
[lowering myself Mission Impossible style from the ceiling and hovering over your sleeping body]
Me, whispering: So, what did you mean by “oh.” in that text message?
“So I go east? Then west? Then back east?”
~ Me, drunk and getting directions from the inflatable stick figure in front of a car dealership
Took my son to his friend’s birthday party yesterday. It was great until we arrived and I realised the party is next weekend.
Are people who write “prolly” rather than “probably” just lazy, completely illiterate, or do they actually think that’s a word?
I was gonna buy a phone charger at the airport but I didn’t have $7000.
Parental pro tip: Take your kids to the mattress store at the mall and skip the trampoline park.
dispatch: we have a home invasion robbery in progress on the far side of the lake
rowboat cop: *grabs oar* I’ll be there in 6 hours
This cop is parked illegally behind me with his lights on, I’m going to say something.
I saw an Indian asleep on the train, noticed the little red dot on his forehead, and thought, “Is he on standby?”
[interview at J Crew]
interviewer: explain this gap on your resume
me: no
interviewer:
me: they made me sign a pretty thorough non-disclosure agreement
Excerpt of my Google searches today:
7:07am Did the curve flatten yet
7:54am Did the curve flatten yet
8:12am Did the curve flatten yet
8:14am Did the curve flatten yet
9:33am Did the curve flatten yet
9:48am Cheddar Bay biscuits delivery
9:49am Did the curve flatten yet
[me flirting]
Cute guy: hey how’s it goin
Me: YES I ALSO LIKE BLUEBERRIES
Cute guy:
Me: THEY’RE ACTUALLY PURPLE WHEN YOU SMUSH THEM
Cute guy: *backing away*
Me: I HOPE DROGON IS OKAY