When you feel down about your job just remember someone at google was forced to type out the entire lyrics to Hey Jude.
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Establish dominance on Halloween by eating your neighbor’s jack-o-lanterns.
If you don’t like someone, set them free. If they come back, use pepper spray.
[Theater]
GF: I got M&M’s.
Me: I can’t eat those here.
GF: Why?
M: *exasperated sigh* Because it’s too dark to separate them by color.
Sensible dad: I’d like to buy 3 ‘fleeks’ & 7 ‘swags’ for my son.
“Sir this is Urban Outfitters”
Do you have any ‘baes’?
“Please leave”
I keep smelling ammonia in my apartment so obviously my organs are failing and I’m going to die. Or a neighbor is cleaning.
My wife asked me what new hairstyle she should get, so I held my breath until I passed out.
Him: Mmm…you smell like a bakery.
Me: I just ate 14 croissants.
tired of seeing everyone’s boyfriend taking them on paint and picnic dates so my dog took me on one instead
The older I get, the more I feel like the town elders in Footloose were actually pretty cool.
[coming home from cinema]
Don’t let that ninja film go to your head again.
*roundhouse kicks the light switch on*
“I won’t”
Sorry I typed “Lucky escape!” instead of “I’m so sorry your wedding has been cancelled.”
Everyone in Canada is really pretty which means I should probably move there
My daughter: Can I go to my friend’s house?
Me: Take your phone & text me every 20 minutes to tell me you’re okMe when I was 10: I’m off to the abandoned quarry with my pals
Mum: Dinner’s at 5
Saw the optometrist and he said he’s going to have to increase my prescription because my eye muscles have gotten weaker. I think he can tell I’ve been skipping eye day when I go to the gym.
*In the elevator*
Guy: Good morning ladies. You two going down?
Me: No. We’re just friends
Guy: ….
Is there a term yet for the now-rampant stores with
-tiny succulents
-$300 sack dresses
-ceramics with boobs on them
-macrame
-palo santo sticks
-geometric gold earrings
-letterpress cards
-at least 3 items w/questionable arrow/feather/tipi imagery
I’m ready to make a bingo card
God: take it
Satan: no you take it
God: no you take it
Satan: i dont want it
God: well its no good to me
Me: *kicks a pebble* i have a name
My five year old keeps asking about our plans “over the holidays.” By “the holidays” she’s referring to her birthday next month.
Turn off autocorrect?
Challinje aceptid.
Squirrels don’t want to wear shoes no matter how cold it is I tell the emergency room physician
I sold the armchair I had in my room and now I have nowhere to put my clean laundry and stare at it for 8 days??
I’m supposed to be Gen-X but I feel like Gen-FML is more fitting.
DOCTOR: [checking chart] it says here that u suffer from delusions of grandeur
ME: [grabbing chart] thanks doctor, I’ll handle it from here
A horror movie, but it’s just me: struggling into my shape wear and then remembering I should’ve peed first.
Re: global warming and the cold weather
“Liberals keep telling me the Titanic is sinking but my side of the ship is 500 feet in the air.”
Started watching the latest James Bond film last night. He’s in Italy in the beginning. Didn’t see one Olive Garden.
Cop: spread’em!
Me: *frantically starts buttering bread*
Me: Nice new car, boss
Boss: Well, if you set yourself targets, work hard, stay focused, next year I’ll be able to buy an even better one
“How do you compete in fencing if you don’t have a sword?”
“I just dodge the other guy’s attacks.”
“You’re missing the point.”
“That’s the idea!”
Reminding Dad I’m too old for adoption really bums him out because that was one of his favorite threats when I was growing up