Nice try cereal but everyone knows that the real breakfast of champions is three chocolate glazed donuts.
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Thank so much for putting the empty cereal box back in the pantry. Now I get to have disappointment for breakfast..
Kids don’t scare me cause their little arms aren’t strong enough to swing a chainsaw.
I charge people $5 if they say “It is what it is.”
If I’m reading their lips correctly, it looks like my neighbors are having an argument about the creepy guy next door.
Child: [eating cereal]
Me [looking at table]: WOW. Not a single piece of cereal spilled on the table?! Nice job.
Child: Thank you.
Me [taking a step]: *crunch*
Child:
Me: There it is.
WIFE: You’re not going to the costume party dressed like that!
ME: DONALD DUCK DOESN’T WEAR PANTS, BRENDA!!
CEOs: we are closed, nobody wants to work anymore
also CEOs:
Probably even more relevant for the next couple of days.
“Just make sure he knows these are for Christmas AND his birthday”
Happy Birthday if it’s yours today.
Being from the Midwest means my signature potluck dish will contain a tub of mayonnaise, a jar of jelly, and a block of Velveeta.
And it will be called something like “Sexy Salad” to let you know I do not actually understand what sex or salad is.
If one door closes & another door opens, you’re probably in prison.
me: I’m broke
therapist: wait, do you mean emotionally or you can’t pay me?
me: emotionally
therapist: *sigh of relief* ok thank god
Me: I’ll see you in court, Counselor!
Her: Sir, I just asked if you want your Happy Meal to go.
Me: You can’t handle the truth!
Do you know where mansplainers get their water from?
Well, actually…
*brings ramen noodles to your cookout*
No one wants to feel like an obligation. Either commit to them or leave.
Just saw a large group of 20 yr olds saying a blessing before eating.
Then I realized they were all just looking at their phones.
The only cat like reflex I possess is turning and staring at the wall when you talk to me.
I have to lose 20 lbs in 3 days. Piece of cake, I tell the waitress. Chocolate. Thanks.
My 7YO is either very shy in front of people, or she’s already given them our social security numbers
Apparently this weekend there will be constant rane, hale, gails, drissle, thundre, litnin, hy tydes, tawnaydoes and frizzing colde.
Really bad spell of wether.
“Maybe I don’t need this second cup of coffee,” she said as she reached for the turkey gravy instead of the milk.
“…nevermind.”
This man hollered at me from his uhaul and asked “can I get a picture with you?” I said sure. We used my phone to take it. I asked if he wanted me to send it to him. He said no.
*sees a babe about to walk through a puddle*
“No no, allow me”
*gets on hands and knees and drinks the entire puddle so the babe stays dry*
pineapples would be so much better if they didn’t eat you back.
“Don’t be a stranger,” I say, having already forgotten the name of the person I’m talking to.
trump may have a point about video game violence, ever since skyrim came out i’ve been climbing to high elevations and shouting bears off of cliffs and i don’t think it’s a coincidence
I’m the kind of guy who peeks under bathroom stalls and asks where you go for taxes.
The charcuterie board is Lazy Susan’s even lazier
cousin.
Cop: You there! Hands over your head!
Me: *raises hands*
*30 avocados fall out of shirt*
Cop: Holy guacamole!
“I FIXED IT!”