One day I’m probably going to be too lazy to breathe and just die.
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The occasional loneliness I feel being single doesn’t compare to the pure bliss of never having to share my Hershey’s cream pie or bacon.
Comcast Cable acquiring Time Warner Cable is a lot like your proctologist acquiring a bigger finger.
Did you hear about the armored car guard who was really surprised to get fired?
He thought he had job security…
“But your honor, what about all the people my client didn’t kill?”
“Hello, my name’s Drew and I’m an addict”
“Sir, this is a cheese counter”
Can’t believe no one told me that cows can’t walk down stairs. Now I’m stuck with all these attic cows.
I enjoy long walks in the woods, but only because there’s a chance I’ll get eaten by a bear.
Wile E Coyote: I like my dinner on the run if you know what I mean
*pulls up to the Taco Bell window*
BREAKING: area man is calculated by height times width
me: no thanks I’m a vegan
person handing me a baby: what
Me: how about if I scrunch down a little more
DMV Photographer: you absolutely cannot have your horse in this picture
Kids: Why does dad still have to go to work if this virus thing is so serious?
Him: I’ve been working from home this whole week
Me: They haven’t looked up from their iPads since Monday
surgeon: we’re only allowing family right now
olive garden waitstaff: yeah that’s why we’re here
I brought a road drink with me while supervising my son’s learner driving. Unless that’s illegal, in which case, I did not & mind ya business
Opponent: I wish you luck
Me: Tha—
Opponent: But I also wish to suck the marrow from the bones of your defeated corpse.
Me, picks up ping pong paddle: okey dokey
I was irrationally angry when I realized there were no actual raccoons in Resident Evil
If you are worried about getting a double chin, do not, I repeat do not fold a beach towel in front of the mirror.
when your ex needs to go to space about it, you won the divorce
My 4yr old daughter just charged me $47 for a fake cake she cooked in her pretend oven.
I laughed.
…
She stared at me until I paid her.
I spelled my name wrong in an email about a job opening. My name. Wrong. But definitely very detail oriented and works well independently.
If someone asks what you are doing on Halloween, earnestly look at the sky & say “I will be reaching my final form.”
bury ourselves
My next door neighbor has been knocking on my front door for hours.
Does she really think I am going to let her leave?
Ever since Crystal signed my yearbook in 4th grade, all of my summers have been rad and I haven’t changed, just like she asked.
My roomba on charge after cleaning up after 2 kids and 2 dogs.
okay Mary that guy just smiled at you play it cool oh my god he’s coming over here play it cool play it cool HI THERE I’M WEARING TWO BRAS
I’m not sure how many biscuits it takes to be happy, but so far it’s not twenty seven.
My blood type is coffee.
Before any important social event or engagement I like to lightly spritz myself with a bit of hollandaise
Doctor: You have emphysema
Batman: How?
Doctor: Probably from throwing smoke bombs to get out of tough situations
Batman:
Doctor:
Batman: *throws smoke bomb*