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*blowing up your phone at 3am*
I get it now. Skeletor is the hot one. Not He-Man.
Me: Do you have assorted cheeses?
Mom [exactly right next to me]: A sword of jesus?
Me: Yes ma, did you have a sword of jesus?
Dad [from down the hall]: We have lots of cheese in the top drawer of the fridge!
I love how every time Pete Davidson starts dating another beautiful woman news sites go out of their way to look for the worst picture of him they can find
When you donate sperm they ask if you have any “sociopathic tendencies”. I was like “other than creating people for money? ..No.”
I got ill after borrowing a colleague’s leather bag. The test results showed I’d picked up a satchelly transmitted disease.
She gets stoked after reading:
“Big strapping boxer” on dating siteBut soon discovers he’s a 475 lb.
guy working in shipping at Amazon.
Two gunslingers face each other in the street, waiting to draw. Minutes pass. I’m still obliviously standing between them sipping a Slurpee.
My wife still brings up that one time in 2013 I was indecisive about which shirt to wear, after her water broke
It’s a good thing that our phones only convey sight and sound. No offense, but from most of you I would never want to receive a smelfie!
Me: *trying to take a shower*
My brain: SPICE DWARVES
Me: No
Brain: Sleepy, Happy, Scary, Ginger, Sneezy, Baby and Posh
Me: Why
Brain: 🎶if you wanna be my lover, you gotta do all my chores
Me: Nobody cares about the Spice Girls anymore, what is wrong with you
Brain: 🎶Hi HOOOOOO
Bruce Wayne was terrified of bats & he became Batman, so anyway that’s why I became ClownBaboonDentistMan
a rare painting of a porcu’melon
My daughter wakes up everyday at 2:30, and moves from her room to the game room couch. She wants to be sure to see her brother leave at 5:00 for swim practice. It’s not to wish him a good day, but to see what he’s wearing so she can copy his outfit.
My neighbor Ron is mad at me just because my book ‘The Many Lawn Care Mistakes of My Neighbor Ron’ is a hit with both critics and readers.
I Photoshop paddington into a movie, game, TV show, or album until I forget: Day 715
As we start watching horror movies for October, this is more relevant than ever.
Two blondes walk into a building… you’d think at least one of them would have seen it.
ATTENTION EVERYONE MONEY ORDERS ARE A SCAM THEY EXPECT YOU TO HAVE THE MONEY ALREADY YOU CANNOT ORDER IT
Me: it’s time to go to sleep
3: Nope, I don’t think so
Me: who asked you?!
Me: I’m on the moth diet
Her: that’s not what ‘eating light’ means
Me: *coughing up moths* what?
Civil War reenactments are a lot like meetings. You do the same thing over and over again while waiting for your turn to die.
Taco Bell implies the existence of all kinds of Taco Percussion
Of course I have a picture of my kids. Let me find a good one.
* frantically scrolling through 8000 pictures of my dog sleeping
The birds that suddenly appear every time I’m near are circling vultures.
Me: it’s about the journey not the destination
Patient: [bleeding out] I want a different ambulance driver
Enter password:
“ScoobyDoo”
sorry password must contain a special character
ScoobydooFeaturingBatman
A Quiet Place but it’s just me trying to open a piece of cheese without my dog hearing
All I’m saying is “curb side pickup” meant something different when I was growing up.
We love walking in the cemetery but it turned into more of a jog after my dog started barking at one of those gravestones with the big kneeling angel on it.