Me: I’ve decided to be a mermaid so I can sing and swim all day and have a coconut phone
Him: But, you hate coconut?
Me. Why the hell would I eat my coconut phone? Ugh. It’s like you don’t even understand reality.
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Do I want the coronavirus? No. Would I exploit the shit out of it with a daily vlog series titled “Going Viral” were I to catch it? The answer may (not) surprise you.
My standards in my 20’s- brooding & poetic
30’s tall, nice smile, secure job
40’s – hmm I bet that shouty homeless guy would clean up nice
Sorry, but Spotify sounds like the opposite of a stain remover and why would I want it?
I can hear fireworks so I have to go leave a nose print on every window of my house to try to find them
When I’m in a bathroom stall, please don’t yell “Oh my God oh my God there’s a guy in here!” Respect my privacy.
Not to brag but my family won’t have to argue about all the money I won’t be leaving them when I die.
The court system could save a lot of money on psychological exams by reading Facebook posts to determine if a person is crazy.
Look, if I offer you a bite of my calamari, you’re bound to offer me a bite of your food. Legally, it’s known as Squid Pro Quo.
I’m seriously considering taking up falconry. Someone pisses me off? BAM! Falcon, right in the face.
My overly sensitive coworker, Clint started crying when I called him Clintoris.
Even though she’s not Native American, my Wife always sends smoke signals to let me know when dinner is ready.
Welcome to your 40s, your bra wins the Oscar for the best actor in a supportive role.
Taco Bell doesn’t have a playground because its hard to have fun when you might shit your pants
I need a new maid, because the current one sucks. Also, she’s me.
[skating together on a frozen pond]
Her: Isn’t this romantic?
Me: *sees a ‘danger thin ice’ sign, makes a beeline for it* hell yeah
Breaking news:
11 y/o Daughter: [opens xmas present] uh..cable ties?
Wife: she asked for a pony..
Me: a pony? ..SHE CAN’T EVEN LOOK AFTER HER CABLES LINDA
ME: The word “thief” should be spelled “theif” or we should change how it is pronounced to “thigh-ff” but “thief” always seems incorrect.
COP: While I agree with you, you are still extremely under arrest, lol.
Working on a new catchphrase. I’m workshopping “That really butters my baboon!” and “THAT’ll put a meatloaf in your mailbox!”
They’re testing equally well (nobody likes them)
Break the ice when sending business emails by being the first to use a poop emoji
8 yo: “Mommy, what did you want to be when you grew up?”
Me: “Not this tired.”
There’s so much pollen in the air covering everything with a blanket of yellow dust that I thought my wife went blonde.
I don’t trust anyone who can pick “one favourite” anything.
Screw you, you decisive jerk.
The Human Body Is 90% Water, So Basically We’re Just Cucumbers With Anxiety” – Science Person
Never ask a woman her age,
Never ask a man His salary
and Never ask
The British Museum how they got so many artifacts.
You don’t love me. You just love my Looney Tunes jean jacket
Lady at my gym is pedaling a stationary bike while eating chips right out of the bag. I’m hiring her as my personal trainer.
I guess I’m getting old. Now when I hear “Pour Some Sugar On Me” I think of 2 things. Who’s cleaning it up and I hope we don’t get ants.
if umpires are supposed to be so decisive then they should just be called pires