Parenting is a lot like a Tarantino film. Lot of questions and violent screaming.
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Gym membership: $1180 a year
Trainer: $45 a session
Workout clothes: $400
Nutritionist: $150 per consultation
Healthy food: $450 a monthFunhouse mirror that makes me look skinny: $29.99
just had a salad but it didn’t make me laugh like women in stock photos
I never finish what I start. I have a black belt in partial arts.
Can you explain the gaps in your resume?
Yes that was when I worked really weird jobs that I don’t want you to know about
Lets all Twittercide at the same time & not tell a Will Smith parody account, 1 dog account, & all the zombie people just to freak him out.
You know that one cow in the field that’s like 200 yards away from all his cow friends just doing his own thing? That’s me. I am that cow.
One of the coolest things about my new show being on HBO Max is that it’ll probably be released in theaters and on TV the exact same day.
Relationship stress can make you very confused!
Could you believe me , I entered a taxi today and forgot to sit down ?
Google search history:
Marawana
Marjawana
Is there a j in marawana
Wheat
Wheat for smoking
Free wheet
The Constitution says nothing about it being illegal for cats to carry firearms and this worries me immensely.
There is a vast difference between an underdog and a loser, the first one has a real chance to win.
If you eat a block of cheese and do a lunge, it should balance out, right?
Actually, it was less lunge, more trip, but still.
My daughter just told me she doesn’t like Cadbury eggs and oh thank god bc the 12 I bought her accidentally fell into my facehole
CRAIGSLIST AD: Wanted – chicken nugget shaped like Rafael. Have 2 Leonardo’s, willing to trade. Serious offers only. No Michaelangelo’s.
to get my cat to eat, I tell him about all the hungry cats in Catfrica
[doctor’s office]
ME: I’m here for my test results
[the vulture perched above his desk shuffles impatiently]
DR: I have some bad news…
My email password has been hacked. That’s the third time I’ve had to rename my cat.
If the number 666 is considered evil, then technically, 25.8069758 is the root of all evil.
my whole life consists of people asking me if i’ve seen this movie and me telling them no i haven’t seen that movie and then them telling me i should see that movie and then me telling them i’ll add it to the list but there is no list and i won’t watch that movie
If I could just figure out how to decorate piles of laundry, my house would look AMAZING during Christmas.
Standing at life’s crossroads: embarking on a master’s degree in business economics or getting a neck tattoo. Both equally boost employability in today’s market.
Her: Hey, I was just thinking about you.
Me: Isn’t it fun?
Hi, you’ve reached my voicemail. Why are you doing this?
A lot of you are calling me “mom” lately. Is it cause I’m old? Or cause you respect me? I hope for your sake it’s cause I’m old.
Friend: What time is it?
Me: (pulls out phone, checks Twitter and Facebook notifications, puts phone away)
Friend: Well?
Me: Well what?
I’m so poor I can’t even pay for my own consequences.
Dating in your 50’s is great!
Although my husband’s not that keen, tbh
A remake of The Notebook called The iPad
In the movie Speed, Keanu saves the passengers thanks to a gif
I hope my neighbors follow me on Twitter cause their car’s lights are on.