I love how ‘voice to text’ is always so a carrot
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What if T-Rexes really had long boneless tentacle arms and we didn’t know because we can only find bones?
Disney say they’re going to make Mickey Mouse’s hands smaller for “realism”.
Well, not on my watch.
shoutout to the girl on reddit who posted saying “my partner didn’t inform me he’s having unprotected sex with someone else” and then elaborated that the “someone else” is the guys wife, who he is married to
*sends love letter to boyfriend*
*awaits his reply by mailbox everyday*
*receives text with 👍*
*writes letter to IRS about his tax evasion*
I’m convinced that anytime you call customer service they check your twitter to see if you have enough followers to bash them before they do anything for you
Do you like water? Yes? Well, then you already like 60% to 70% of me.
She told me she liked it doggy style so I gave her a treat & took her for a walk.
BOSS: I see you got the memo about not vaping in the men’s restroom?
ME: [vaping in the ladies restroom] I did.
This family attached a microphone to their 4 year old and the result was adorable ❤️
I think the reason giraffes don’t ride in hot air balloons is that their faces would probably get fried off in that flame thing.
Yeah I have only 2 friends but guess what. Quality over quantity. And are my 2 friends good? Absolutely not,
you mean to tell me Cameron Diaz dated The Mask AND Shrek? mmmk someone’s got a type
If I was a judge, I’d keep a pile of walnuts with me on the table at all times. If I’m gonna use the gavel, I might as well eat some delicious walnuts.
[rolls down car window]
“Sir there’s a baby on your roof!”
Wait, if the baby is there… [sees coffee strapped in car seat]
Oh thank god!
I WILL HUNT YOU DOWN AND FIND YOU and cuddle you softly.
Daylight Saving Time switches on November 6. That’s right, this presidential campaign is an hour longer than you thought.
Facebook: Nothing is private
Twitter: Everything is privates
The ending of platonic relationships is way harder because it’s someone looking at your personality alone and being like no thanks
lawyer: if you can stay a night in this house, it is yours. but beware there’s a terrible cu-
millennial: holy shit home ownership? im in
ghost: *appearing* prepare to die
millennial: omg even better
Any zoo can be a petting zoo if you’re really good at climbing fences.
Your 20s are for figuring out who you are.
Your 30s are for figuring out where you want to be.
Your 40s are for figuring out what the attachments to your vacuum do
6: how do you spell once?
Me: o-n-c-e
6: how do you spell upon?
Me: u-p-o-n
6: how do you spell-
Me: what are you doing?
6: writing a story. how do you spell…
It’s going to be a long weekend.
I always pull out my chapstick and slowly apply it to my lips when I want someone to stop talking to me.
[first date]
Me looking confused: “well you had cartoon bunny ears in your profile picture!”
Replying to peoples selfies with the phone number to a dermatologist is not OK.
I’ll stop now.
“Please be aware that this call may be recorded for training purposes”
-companies that obviously provide no training
Everyone is fighting a battle (with goblins) that you know nothing about (because you failed a perception check)
if you’re on the nice list santa brings you the expensive bird seed
i love contactless delivery they just throw the slop at your door and i run out like a little pig
THE CAST OF “CATS” AS MEDIEVAL CAT PAINTINGS: A THREAD