You’ve said it before and I’ll say it again
-Plagiarists
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Me: Shhhhh. Keep it quiet…I’ll slip out of bed and find you around 3:00 am.
Leftover Pie:
My husband said he’d gotten an idea for a gift for me from a show he’s been watching. I just realized that thanks to free HBO on Hulu he’s rewatching The Sopranos. Now I’m a bit concerned.
Why is it called maple syrup instead of “log jam”?
The best and most reliable advice I can offer is add bacon.
COME ON KRUSE #fencing
HER: did u know dinosaurs can’t jump
ME: duh, they’re all dead, karen
Me: Table for four, please. And can we get some crayons?
Her: Will there be children dining today?
Me: No. The crayons are for me.
Shout out to coworkers that wait until the final 5 minutes of a meeting to ask 20 questions. We all hate you
It’s a bird. It’s a plane. It’s a pedestrian. Seriously, you’re hitting everything with your car.
My foto for you
I hope you are a good girl
Your foto look nice#haiku
fellas who call it the walk of shame why are you admitting that it’s embarrassing to have sex with you
Wife just read through all my tweets.
Her eyes are very slowly rolling back into place.
Her: I’m an only child
Me: There are literally billions of children
I’m smoking, skyping, putting on makeup, tweeting and I haven’t spilled 1 drop of my beer. I’m the best driver ever.
me in 1997: i can’t wait for the future when microsoft word fixes all the issues and it becomes a more user-friendly piece of software
me in 2023: any day now probably
Millennial: what’s crackalackin’?
Me: my knees, my shoulder, my neck, and my back
[david attenborough voice] wolves, also known as nature’s best animal, have been cool for hundreds of thousands of years
“Which one is you?”
– My favorite response when someone shows me a selfie with other people in it.
We Didn’t Start the Fire is a great song for many reasons, but one of the most underrated is, like all great history projects, it starts off super detailed & thorough until you realize it’s due the next day & you end up condensing 1963-1989 into like two stanzas
Why yes, person on the Internet, I would love to make $596 per day sitting at home. Let’s do this!!!
SON: do you HAVE to walk around in just underwear?
DAD: I will if I want. now get me a beer
SON: what aisle?
DAD: do I LOOK like I work here?
Boy, are you a yellow sports car because I am embarrassed to be seen with you but I am very pleased with your performance.
[guy who just got out of prison on a technicality]
“what were you in for?”
murder, a guy… a guy…
“spit it out man”
a guy, interrupted me
I’m an Obama supporter but there’s no escaping the harsh truth that Batman v Superman happened on his watch.
I’ve dated a guy who collected stained glass and wore bowling gloves so don’t talk to me about standards.
Being the father of teenagers means never trusting the tops of salt shakers ever again.
Everything that is wrong with America, in one image.
I made all my money in the 80s selling Rubik’s Hammers. They were for b****-a** Cubes that thought they were smarter than you.
“but you said you were right around the corner.” Let me stop you right there. I never said what corner
An umpire pulling out a small broom and sweeping his date’s chair before she sits down.