One of the scariest things is when you say something that forces your wife to take off her glasses before she responds.
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Email from my mom: What’s my email address?
I do not envy the youth. Imagine starting college in the year 2022: you’re totally pumped, can’t wait for the best 4 years of your life, and then you find out….your roommate is really into crypto.
Lego better be trying to cure child cancer with how much their shit cost.
Ok guys, I have 28 minutes to kill before I casually need to respond to a text message.
What’s up?
Worst part of a bottomless pit isn’t the plunge, it’s the endless polite small talk you have to make with the guy falling next to you
Bison may look friend-shaped, but they already have all the friends they want. Keep your distance and don’t make it awkward.
me: i’ve started seeing someone
therapist: as in dating or like hallucinations
*travels back to 1930’s*
okay and that’s why you’ve got to kill hitler
FBI: wait so you can just look at naked lady videos anytime you want
My work day –
8:00-11:30 – wonder what I’ll eat for lunch today
11:30 – 12:00 – eat lunch
12:00 – 4:30 – Damn lunch was good.
wile e. coyote running off a cliff and not falling until he looks down except it’s me stopping for a second mid-sentence to think about what i’m saying
I like to reinvent myself every year, last year I was a small Italian woman and the year before that a bear.
[at the auto parts store]
Me: I need windshield wipers for my Chryler
Counter Guy: What size engine
I can’t divorce my husband right now. I just ordered a new cabinet from Ikea.
dr frankenstein: it’s alive!
igor: great! what should we name him
dr frankenstein: uh we won’t
igor: idk might lead to some confusion
dr frankenstein: it will literally never come up
Wine improves with age, I improve with wine.
Him: you look tired today
Me: you look like you need a mouth that says better sentences
*catcher puts 1 finger down*
*pitcher shakes head*
*puts 2 fingers down*
*nods*
(catcher to umpire)
“can we take a break? he has to poop”
Customer: I can’t see. How many sugar and fiber are in this bar?
Me: 7 sugar 5 fiber
C: That’s not very healthy… Just the smokes then.
I love all my children equally, I steal the same number of fries from each one
Girlfriend: I’m breaking up with you
Me: is it because make up phrases
Girlfriend: yes
Me: well the spider didn’t warm the egg for it just to hatch
Girlfriend: I have no idea what you’re talking about
I did squats today. Mostly because I was hiding from a coworker.
Like Grandma used to say, if it seems too good to be true buy as much of that shit as you can.
Grandma drank a lot. We miss her.
My tubes are tied. I didn’t even know they were competing.
I hold my phone up to the sunset. So pretty. I’m going to share this with everyone, I say. The year is 1964. I’m completely insane
How often do you think Jennifer Aniston uses the line “I’m not here to make Friends?”
[submarine]
captain: why can’t we submerge?!
stowaway jesus: lol
The Hello Kitty stickers on your woodchipper suggest that you’re whimsically murdery.
[ first date ]
her: i want a partner that can open my heart
me: well i am a surge-
her: and never do anything to shock me
me: protector
If you ever get attacked by a bear, throw your shark at it. Also, get a shark.
Today I drove through a huge puddle that splashed up under my car and laughed to myself as I whispered, “car bidet.”