Setting a dowry for my teenage daughter. So far I’ve got 2 dogs, 1 little sister and an ant farm. Act before midnight, I’ll toss in an iPad.
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Haha good job!!
If there’s a kid acting like an adult in your ad I will not buy your product and I’ll buy your competitor’s product even if I don’t need it.
[College admissions office]
“Sorry sir you can’t transfer your street cred for college credits”
ME: that’s wack
[breakfast in hell]
STALIN: Toast is burnt
POL POT: Eggs are rotten
HITLER: I hate the juice
STALIN: Oh here we go
HITLER: I said JUICE
quick poll: why’d you break up with me in high school Alison
Something’s wrong with the selfie camera on my new phone. It keeps making me look like I’m 40.
When I see an Olympic figure skater fall down, I feel represented.
*first day as a getaway driver*
Me: Hey does anybody want anything from the drive-through?
I will punch you in the face.
OK not really – but I will roll my eyes at you, hard.
Welcome to parenthood. You never thought you’d want to fight a 5yo, but here we are.
Sex so good the peeping Tom made sandwiches.
My 8YO’s drawings of me have improved in detail. Although she still draws my body as a round ball, she now adds a nice touch by filling in the dark circles under my eyes.
Whenever I see a couple doing yard work, I like the one standing by the bags of dirt who looks like they can’t quite believe they are outdoors and can’t fathom how they’ve gotten caught up in this terrible thing.
“911, what is your emergency?”
I got stuck in a beaded curtain
“Again?”
SEND HELP
STARBUCKS BARISTA: I got a latte here for *squinting* Catheter Zebra Jokes?
CATHERINE ZETA-JONES: *sigh* That’s gotta be mine—
CATHETER ZEBRA JOKES: Hey not so fast, lady.
[David Attenborough watching me when I overslept and have 5 minutes to get ready for work]
Extraordinary.
My billionaire can beat up your billionaire.
damn boy, are you Comic Sans? because I cannot take you seriously
Women! Can’t live with ’em, can’t sell ’em or Liam Neeson will find you and kill you.
Guy: so what u up to after this?
Me: {remembering my friend said to be mysterious but quirky} probably eat a whole red onion in an alley
Fly restaurant:
Waiter, there’s a man in my soup
me [as a robber]: What? You wanna case the joint AGAIN??
My daughter said she wanted a pet fish so I gave her a can of tuna. The fact she took it, painted it and made an aquarium for it, proves that quarantine life is getting to all of us.
medusa: look into my gaze
me:
dwayne johnson: did it do anything?
Guys in motorcycle clubs should have to go door to door like Mormon missionaries.
I don’t really wanna join but I’d like to be asked
People keep coming to me for advice like they forget that back in the day I turned down a bitcoin to repair someones computer for them and did it for a few beers instead.
fondly reminiscing about the time i overslept for work by six hours and didn’t get fired
How to stay sober during #GOPDebate drinking games:
Take a shot every time someone tells the truth.
The worst part about being humble is that you can’t even brag about it.
nurse: *hands me a urine specimen cup* the bathroom’s over there
[later]
nurse: it’s empty
me: i didn’t need it, there was a toilet