me: make me irresistible to women
genie: *turns me into a puppy* careful what you wish for haha
me: *raises hind leg over lamp*
genie: wait no stop
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I’m sorry Mr. Simmons. I really enjoy babysitting little Timmy, but I’m only 14. I need real money, not bitcoin.
A faceplant is the ultimate fusion cuisine
I told my daughter we might be getting a blizzard and she asked for one with Reese’s pieces
Therapist: And what do we do when we’re feeling angry?
Me: *revving chainsaw*
Therapist: No.
Once married the woman takes over the entire closet and the man stores everything he owns in his left cargo pocket
Just when I thought we’d avoided all controversial topics at Thanksgiving dinner my niece said Aristocats was better than The Lion King
Superman: I hate your Bat Cave! I can’t get cell service
Batman: Your carrier sucks
Superman: Oh yeah, who do you use?
Batman: Bat Mobile
How does a farmer find new cows to buy?
He looks through the cattlelog.
Being a woman means owning ten bras. One you wear six days a week. One is on emergency reserve in case you have to leave the house on laundry day. And the rest exist to take up space in your already overstuffed underwear drawer.
Bad news travels fast. #TravelFail
I like my women like I like my bamboo: graceful, strong, and constantly in threat of being eaten by pandas.
[reading directions]
These are probably garbage words, I’ll just do what I, a moron, think
[inventor of teapot]
“I want this water to scream”
23 Mind-Blowing Ways You’ll Never Get Back the Time Spent Reading This List
Being an adult is cool because sometimes your back hurts and other times a different part of your back hurts
Hot woman *points at my empty glass* hey, want another?
Me: Why would I want another empty glass?
[later]
Me *stops brushing teeth* hang on
Acquaintances: “So what have you been up to?”
What I hear: “Please explain yourself, we’re trying to figure you out.”
Date: What do you do?
Me *holds up menu* you just choose a meal from this book of food
My son won a plastic horn at the fair so now our house is filled with obnoxious noise because my husband won’t put it down
There is no greater lie than “if you tell the truth, I won’t get mad.”
I fired myself from cleaning my own house. I didn’t like my attitude, and I got caught drinking on the job.
No bond is stronger than two coworkers who hate the same person.
If your idea of an “Epic” deal is $5 off then we may have different interpretations of that word, Pottery Barn.
I lost my job today
“What? How?”
I just wasn’t a good housekeeper
“BUT YOU’RE A BEEKEEPER”
Well that explains all the screaming
ME: *kneading the crap out of a box of Kleenex*
STORE CLERK: Excuse me, what are you doing?
ME: deep tissue massage
CLERK: *whispering into walkie talkie* security
-You’re gonna love our date at that place where treasures may be hidden
-Wait..will it be romantic?
-..
-I told you 100 times, you can’t trick me into going to the garbage dump again
While editing, I was trying to write: “maybe this should be in bold, for emphasis”, and instead wrote “in blood”. Still works!
Heckling someone at their third wedding automatically removes you from their fourth wedding invitee list
The more you know
When spiders see you left a pair of shoes in the garage