Flight attendant: Before landing, please make sure all small electronic items are secure
Me: *whispering to my tamagotchi* do you feel safe, bud?
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cellmate: what are you in here for
me: [snuggling] my bunk is cold
I’m not saying my son is competitive, but he was happy he had a higher fever than his brother
The 9 levels of midwestern anger
9. “jesus, mary and, joseph”
8. “Woah woah woah”
7. “Hold your horses”
6. “Jeez Louise”
5. “For Heaven’s sake””
4. “If I had a nickel for every time”
3. “Well, now wait a minute”
2. “For Pete’s sake”
1. “Listen here pal”
[6:00pm] i will not snack tonight i will not snack tonight i will not snack tonight
[11:00pm] yay i did it!
[11:01pm] *preheats oven*
I’d rather see a guy with a machete walking towards me than someone with a clipboard.
My husband is turning 58 tomorrow. Join me wishing him “Jesus, you’re how old?”
“Be a deer, would ya” she says, mounting your head on the wall.
After several Steven Segal films in a row, you’d think bad guys would know to avoid rooms that contain both him & a PoolTable
Goldfish: did you remember to take out the garbage?
Elephant: [rolls eyes]
Goldfish: did you remember to take out the garbage?
There’s a tornado warning and we’re about to hop into our blow up pool. If you see us fly by, please don’t hesitate to say hello.
For legacy verified accounts whose check hasn’t disappeared, for just $7 a month I will reply to every one of your posts and tell people you didn’t pay for twitter.
“I wasn’t born yesterday.”
-hilarious talking baby
Look kid, you can’t die from embarrassment. Believe me, I’ve tried.
I want to make fun of kanye but I’m always losing my shit on the internet too.
It feels mighty hypocritical.
You just found Jesus?
The rule is if no one claims him in 30 days you can keep him.
[someone is rude to me online]
It’s really not worth getting upset over this[someone is rude to my friend online]
Well, I guess I gotta make some stranger cry today
I follow mattress delivery trucks around all day, because I like the smell of freshly braked bed.
This empty can of Cheese Whiz will now be known as Cheese Was.
I’ve been drinking.
Why did Star Wars Episodes 4, 5 & 6 come out before 1,2 & 3?
Because in charge of directing, Yoda was.
6yo: What’s for dinner?
Me: Pork medallions.
6: I HATE THOSE!
Me: I’ll give you $1000 if you can tell me what either pork or medallions are.
My stalker just threatened to kill herself if I can’t love her back. It’s nice when problems resolve themselves.
Dirty cop: yeah I’m in with the scum, but I held my nose and now I’m rolling in it
Clean cop: good god Harold, go take a shower
My wife is pretty excited about going away this weekend so I’m not sure she knows I’m coming with her.
“You’re saying it’s all an act?
Chewbacca: Indubitably, my good man.
Siri, fight Alexa.
They: ‘ Where are you from?’
Me: ‘I’m from 80s.’
ME (backseat): whoa kinda rolled through that stop there
KIDNAPPER: shut up
ME: can you help me with my seatbelt?
KIDNAPPER: no, quiet
ME: you should have gagged me
KIDNAPPER: *slams brakes* that’s it, get out
ME: …yo buddy this a no stopping zone
Ever smell a permanent marker and accidently color the tip of your nose black?
Related: They’re called permanent markers for a reason.
Me: *gets comfortable*
Life: Just one more thing …