girlfriend: I’m seeing someone behind your back
me: *believes in ghosts* is it my grandpa
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“Why?” – Socrates and four year-olds
i have been told spending the night in this haunted house will grant me immunity from being pranked or fooled on the april fool day
Yes sex is good but have you ever made someone super mad online and then go to sleep?
Yesterday my boss asked why I was tardy and I said, “I don’t think you’re supposed call people that any more.”
its a good thing we swallow 8 spiders a year bc if it werent for those spiders, we’d be swalowing hundreds of flies and smaller insects
Me: Close your eyes. Give me your hand, darling. Can you feel my heart beating? Do you unders…
Dr:(removes stethoscope) Really? Everytime?
I’m at the age I don’t remember it’s my birthday but my wife makes me feel better by reminding me I’m at the age I don’t remember anything.
[home]
FRIEND: How’d family dinner go?
ME: Huge mess to clean.
F: It’s spotless!
M: *sprays luminol* You’d never know they were even here.
I was raised by my father.
He was a competitive poker player.
A story that ends with a corpse on the floor is a tragedy. A story that begins with a corpse on the floor is a mystery. A story that begins with a floor on a corpse is The Wizard of Oz.
My super power is getting hungry as soon as someone says the food won’t be ready for two hours.
*serious situation*
My brain:
I will always post cat eating corn when I see it
It’s pretty and I’m a Taurus so naturally, I can’t help myself.
It must be hard to be a rapper knowing at any moment your enemies may make beautiful poems about you
murderer: oh no i forgot my weapon 🙁
aragorn: you have my sword
legolas: and you have my bow
gimli: and my axe
murderer: omg *tearing up* you guys :’)
pirate: walk the plank
me: ok but i don’t have a leash lol
pirate: *drops sword* dad?
There were only 7 deadly sins and then you came along.
I always fear that oneday I will enter my house and find a thief, knocked out unconscious by the things fallen on his head from some closet
A fake ID that says you’re only 14 so you can get cheaper buffets
Buy all the cute stuffed animals you want but your toddler is going to sleep with a spatula instead
FRIEND: Weighted blankets are great for anxiety
INTERNET: Weighted blankets are great for anxiety
DOCTORS: Weighted blankets are great for anxiety
ME: [trapped & unable to escape from a weighted blanket] Well, I do feel anxious
me: [getting murdered]
murderer: [murdering]
murderer’s mom: you’re wearing that to do murder?
murderer: unbelievable
Pass gas, not judgment.
I imagine the hardest part of becoming a supervillain is getting your doctorate.
Yoga class instructor: Welcome. Uhh why are you carrying a lightsaber?
Me: Misread the brochure I have.
Her: OMG my feet are sooo cold, like ice!
Me: No, don’t put them on m-… gahhh!Repeat until I die, she assures me it was in the wedding vows.
Me: Stop fighting this minute!! ONE…
Kids: *fighting*
Me: TWO…
Kids: *still fighting*
Me (sweating): TWO AND A HALF
Kids: *brawling at this point*
Me: ᶜʳᵃᵖ ᶜʳᵃᵖ ᶜʳᵃᵖ *texting* mom I need help what happens if you get to three
*Gets on plane*
*Takes out earbuds*
*Untangles earbuds*
*Plane lands*