This is no longer an app but a mishapp
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Void?
Y E S F R I E N D
Why are you laughing?
A J O K E
Tell me?
W H Y D I D T H E M A N D I E A L O N E
I don’t get it
Y O U W I L L
My son asked me where poo came from. I was a little uncomfortable but gave him an honest answer. He looked perplexed and stared at me for a minute then asked….and tigger???
Just vacuumed for the first time in a really long time and apparently I have hardwood floors?
“hey, aren’t you the guy from high school who would disagree with everything?”
no
*goes back to group of friends*
was it him?
“I don’t know”
Open casket funeral? Remains to be seen.
Reasons I’m like Donald Duck:
1- Mainly white
2- Kinda fat
3- Rarely wears pants
4- Highly irritable
5- Hard to understand
6- Prisoner of the Disney Corporation
7- Genuinely confused if Goofy is a dog or what the hell
why stack your tupperware when you can chunk it into the cabinet and close the door before it falls out.
Shout out to sidewalks.
Thanks for keeping me off the streets.
Hubs: You didn’t do anything today did you?
Me: I did the dishes.
Hubs: There was only one.
Me: Fine I did THE dish. Happy?
DOCTOR: “How do you feel about taking medication?”
ME: “Uh, fine, I guess… but usually, I just pay for it.”
“How much ice does it take to preserve a dead body?”
*I ask on twitter because googling it gets people caught.
sorrey im bad with names. im also bad with faces,, i put my grandma in a headlock, thinking she was the kid that stole my bike in 3rd grade
[being buttered]
Me: are you sure about this
Murderer: [stops buttering] you know what I brought the wrong knife
Me at 15: I can’t wait to make my own money and buy whatever I want
Me now: *rinses off a sliced cheese that fell on the floor*
I said it out loud and I can’t stop giggling lmao
Uber driver, “You know, if they had Uber back in my day, I wouldn’t have all these DUIs.”
Me, {opens door} “I’ll just get out right here.”
When I was 16, my parents sat me down to give me “the talk” about professional wrestling.
How many blondes does it take to change a diaper?
Ask Hugh Hefner.
I’m just saying if she’s into metric then I’d love to meter
Turns on air conditioner
air conditioner: I have a boyfriend
(friend who didn’t get invited on the blair witch project trip) ah jeez that’s awful. tragic. and you found all their footage? so did they ever like.. explain why they could only bring 3 people in a car that seats 4 or like
Zoom meetings have reminded me that I’m generally not muted when you should be.
Me: I was only protecting the kids from learning too early that their parents are fallible
Her: *packing away Monopoly* That’s still no excuse for stealing from the bank
*Runs across campus to get to class on time*
Whew! I made it!
*Sits in the back and browses Twitter for an hour and a half*
I haven’t worn a trench coat since a random man in his 60s said to me “what are you looking for detective” 😭😭
I do the same thing every other woman my age does in the shower. Argue with people in my head.
Why aren’t marriage prevention hotlines a thing?
Saw a sign on the highway that said “Kill or Injure a Road Worker: $7,500” but it doesn’t tell me where to pick up the money…
angel: whatcha making?
god: *plugging a snake into an electrical outlet* eel
Aliens: take us to your leader
Me: ok guys listen- he’s probably going to deport you but there is a small chance he’ll want to marry you