Why pink camo? Do people hunt barbie jeeps or try to sneak up on pepto bismol?
You Might Also Like
I just used Quandary in casual conversation, like some sort of philosophical genius, and everyone laughed and then I ran back to my computer to make sure I used it correctly and I did, so you may call me Professor.
I’m so good at astrology I know all the zodiac signs by heart
Aquaman
Fish
Airhead
Tommy
Jumanji
Cancer
Leo
Virgin
Liberal
Scorpion
Sa..sag..fhgjhuiujh
Caprisun
HER: help I’m drowning!
ME: what’s the magic word?
HER: *gurgling* PLEASE![Later]
ME: *quietly to coroner* it was abracadabra
Detective Baby: We got you dead to rights, dirtbag.
*suspect puts face in hands*
Detective Baby: HE’S ESCAPED
Apparently “The WiFi signal is the strongest there” isn’t the right answer when the boss asks “Why are you spending so much time in toilet?”
[at the club]
Bouncer: Sir, you can’t bring that it in
Me: Ok (taking off nunchucks)
Bouncer: No, those are okay…take off the fanny pack
No thanks, malls. I shop from home without pants like a normal person.
Wife: Who is it?
Me [hand over phone]: The police, they say it’s now illegal to fake throw a ball
Dog in other room: [hangs up his phone]
Somebody accused me of getting by on my looks today and I am going to ride this wave till the shore break pummels me on the sand.
If someone catches me staring I quickly look to my left & right so they think “oh that girl’s not looking at ME she’s looking at EVERYTHING”
The human body is 90% water, so we’re basically just cucumbers with anxiety.
POLICE: [on bullhorn] PLEASE COME DOWN, EVERYTHING’S FINE
ME: [yelling down from ledge] ARE YOU SERIOUS HAVE YOU WATCHED THE NEWS AT ALL
I’m not sure what my wife thinks I do in the bathroom, but I appreciate all her support
Hell hath no fury like a little league team when a parent forgets the after-game snack.
WHAT ARE WE?
Writers!
WHAT ARE WE WRITING?
Snacks!
WAIT, WHAT?
Snacks first, THEN writing!
No, wait, coffee/tea too!
Maybe a nap beforehand!
THEN WRITING?
No, then Twitter
THEN WRITING!
Too late! Time for bed! Writing tomorrow
#amwriting
#writerslife
#writingcommunity
When life hands you women, make women laid.
Just sayin’ witchdoctors are gonna have to pick a side when the shit goes down between witches and doctors.
My kids prefer apples without peel, sandwiches without crust, cherries without pits, and fathers without spare time.
Cats spend two thirds of their lives sleeping and the other third making viral videos.
[wipes brow]
“Finally finished YouTube.”
me: turns out a butterfly net can catch anything if it’s the right size
wife: is that danny devito
I can’t remember if I’ve got bacon in my fridge or not. I think I might have a touch of hamnesia.
Do you know what’s cooler than those fake chains around your license plate?
Everything. Every single thing in the world.
I’ve had like 6 red bulls, so of course I’m vacuuming the front yard.
Hiring Manager: Your resume is impressive but what experience do you have in the field?
Me: Frolicking, stopping to smell the roses- typical field stuff sir
Husband has a fancy satellite alarm that does all kinds of things by itself but today it keeps beeping every hour despite my attempts to make it stop so I’m about to find out if it’s waterproof
When I see how my boys have loaded the dishwasher I think, “Maybe their father is my cousin.”
Logged into Facebook.
‘Happiness is like a butterfly….’
Logged out of Facebook.
SOLDIER: Yankee Oscar Uniform Romeo Foxtrot Lima Yankee India Sierra Delta Oscar Whiskey November
CAPTAIN: Lima Oscar Lima!
A good lawyer knows the law. A great lawyer knows the Judge.