me: im depressed
therapist: try a good walk
me: will that work
therapist: yes *subtly gives a ‘thumbs up’ to my dog*
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Chipotle has been hacked for an hour and hasn’t noticed… Taylor Swift was hacked and wrote an album about it 30 seconds after.
My wife and I have to put drops in the cat’s eye before we go to work. Just in case you see a headline like “Couple mauled to death by two pound kitten” tomorrow
When I was younger I was convinced by the time I was this age I’d need a lawyer on retainer, so I’m not sure if I’m winning or sucking at adulting.
*slowly unwraps a candy bar as neighbor talks about her new diet
What in the hipster hell is going on here
Have kids, so people who drink their own bath water can critique your cooking.
Just found out a spider’s been living in my shower. Just hanging out. Quietly. Watching me. So, long story short, I HAVE A NEW BOYFRIEND!
My dogs would be happier if I spent more time walking them and less time folding their ears inside out.
kid: mom, have you seen my bag of candy?
mom: i ate it
kid: what?! mom i walked 7 blocks for that
mom: *glaring* i was in labor for day and a half when i had you
kid: oh god no i-
mom: *stepping closer* i pooped on the doctor’s hand
That kid that said “if the teacher doesnt show up in 15 minutes, we are legally allowed to leave” is in prison now.
Anyone can wish upon a star, but it takes guts to wish upon the moon. If you don’t aim that wish perfectly it will ricochet off a crater, which is how we lost the dinosaurs
I never understood “spidey sense.” The last 400 spiders I threw a shoe at didn’t see it coming.
“We’re going to a school presentation tonight, ok?”
My kid: “I love presents.”
Me: How was school?
Toddler: Candice has a different mom.
Me [pours two glasses of wine]: Go on.
I have never related to anyone more.
I drank the blood of a vampire. Tasted irony.
“Hi I’m an evil ghost with the ability to defy time & space, but I think the best example of my powers will be to slightly close this door.”
thank god
My husband excused himself from the table to take a work call. What’s the official waiting period on stealing his fries?
Me: You’re SURE you know how to cut hair?
Wife: I told you I watched a YouTube video
Your name is just a compromise. It’s the one both your parents didn’t hate.
My son on the morning of his prom: “Well, it just occurred to me that I paid $130 to go to my school at night.”
[first date]
her: i love mysterious guys
him: good
me: [in the bushes] good
Yes, lady who took two parking spaces. I’m the reason you can’t get in your car from the drivers side.
Have a nice day 🙂
when your baby starts crawling on the ceiling how do you get it down
A cashier was giving me my change and said “have a good…” then looked at my face and said “…sleep.” This seriously just happened
I’m not sure what my three-year-old needs more, naps or an exorcism.
Me: “Keep your friends close, and your enemies closer.”
Friends: “No thanks.”
Enemies: “Also no thanks.”
Right before I left the house my wife asked me if I filled out my organ donor information and now I’m hesitant to start the car.
A brightly-colored van drives slowly down our street. Kids gather excitedly. It is the Edible Arrangements truck. We are all betrayed.