New year new me, I say as I get a new me out of deep freeze and bury the old me in the woods
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[checks Facebook & sees my 4th grade girlfriend has liked my hot chocolate recipe share]
ME: I knew she’d come crawling back to me one day
HER: knock it off!
CAT: lol ok
Google Maps places way too much faith in my ability to find my destination on my left in 800ft
mr. miyagi: sweep the leg, daniel-san
daniel-san: do i have to, sensei?
mr. miyagi: *sucks the meat off a chicken thigh, chucks it on the floor* yep. then wax my cars again, nerd
The problem with millennials is they were taught to look up to Pokemon not *struggles to think of a thing old people respect* Mussolini
ME: Here, take my seat
EXECUTIONER: No thank you
A butterfly just landed on the tip of my cigarette & exploded.
What in the hell do they put in butterflys?
I sent youse two to whack that freakin’ guy and instead youse screwed it up like a couple of
The nurse should wait until after they weigh you to ask if you’ve had any symptoms of depression in the past two weeks.
If you haven’t woken up from a nap covered in stickers, did you even fall asleep while watching cartoons with your preschooler.
SPELLING BEE: spell “configurable”
ME: C-O-N-F-I-G-U-R-A-B–
SPELLING BEE: (interupting) yes i am a bee but i fail to see why thats relevant
Not really getting much out of this Bring Your Daughter to Work Day, to be honest. It’s almost as if my 6yo had never used PowerPoint before
do you ever get a series of sharp pains like someone has a voodoo doll of you and they’re viciously stabbing it? no? how about now?
Not to brag but I can forget what I’m doing as I’m doing it
Me: get behind me Satan!
Satan: not tonight, I’ve got a headache
*Holds an old lady’s hand as I help her across the street*
don’t worry ma’am i’m sure the doctors can sew it back on
The odds of Jesus coming a second time are about the same as those of ANY man coming a second time. #amirightladies
Bigfoot keeps his legs in shape by doing sasquats
Italian mafia fugitive caught after posting cooking show on YouTube
People who call themselves “grammar Nazis” deserve the worst possible sentence.
If I’m ever on life support, unplug me, let me sit for 15-30 secs, plug me back in and see if that works.
one time in high school I wanted to signal to a friend that I really, really liked him, so I began referring to him as my esteemed colleague
Smallpox sounds so adorable
Short skirts have a tendency to make men polite. Have you ever seen a man get on a bus ahead of one?
My 6yo thinks the Starbucks mermaid has two fish tails for her arms and now I can’t unsee it
*Spider exam: How to scare people out of their mind*
✘ Fly
✘ Breathe fire
✔ Sit still on the ceiling and mind your own business
“Do you need help with your math homework Billy?”
“Yeah I sure do Dad!”
“Well you’re shit out of luck”
[sees kid crying]
Kid: Im lost
Me: that’s ok. We’re all lost. Happiness is an illusion. Life is meaningless. Death is around the corner. Bye
I want to know what ideas were so bad that “horny cows” made it on the billboard