work smarter, not harder
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Being an adult is 99% wondering how you hurt your back.
*At demonstration
*grabs megaphone – stands on car
‘DOES ANYONE HAVE AN iPHONE CHARGER?’
Sorry I yelled “pull” when you released doves at your wedding.
Moms don’t go on vacation, we just cook and clean in a different house for a week.
If I were one of the sciencers, I would simply do this
I like to pack a healthy lunch for work so that by 3 p.m. I’m ready to do unspeakable things for a piece of chocolate.
Hurricane Facebook Events are back y’all
When you said ‘till death do us part’ I kinda figured you’d go first
Going feral. Y’all need anything?
“Wanna feel old..?”
No. Next question.
Banking tips
If you’re not carrying around matchbooks from places you’ve been recently I don’t know why you don’t want your murder to be solved
My battle cry is, I’M TRYING TO PEE! STOP KNOCKING ON THE DOOR!!
And 5’s battle cry is, I’M NOT KNOCKING ON THE DOOR! I’M KNOCKING ON THE WALL NEXT TO THE DOOR!
Spices were first brought to Europe in the Middle Ages, and some of them are still at the back of my cupboard.
Paid my mortgage so don’t ask me to come out. I’m getting my moneys worth.
Why be just a part of the solution when you can be the whole problem?
Meanwhile at Wayne Industries…
‘Hey anyone else think it’s weird we make so much batman stuff here’
I’m at the age I need all the beauty sleep I can get. So naturally I’m not able to sleep.
To all my new moms, I highly recommend you start working on that upper body strength. Because you’re going to need to to haul a kicking toddler around football style.
People moaning about the weather at least it’s not snowing. Imagine shovelling snow in this heat.
At this rate, I can’t wait to see what the holiday decorations look like.
God: thou shall not covet thy neighbor’s wife
Joseph:
God: starrrrrting now
Remember back in the good old days when someome looked at you wrong, all you had to do was call them a witch and POOF problem solved
Them: Mr. Scholl-
Dr. Scholl: EXCUSE ME I DIDN’T GO TO 6 YEARS OF FOOT SCHOOL TO NOT BE CALLED DOCTOR
Them: Sorry, DOCTOR Scholl, can you please put your pants back on, this is an Arby’s
Me being confident.
I am 99% sure I did it, well 90% anyway.
Ok.. 50%.
Did I do it?
Take me down to the paranoid city where the grass is TRYING TO KILL ME and the girls are CONSPIRING AGAINST ME
I wonder if my dog gets embarrassed when I give him kisses in front of other dogs at the park.
My 15yo just handed me this and apologised, explaining that he’s been contracted to kill me.
TEENS IN THE 70S: let’s protest war
TEENS IN THE 80S: let’s protest capitalism
TEENS IN THE 90S: let’s rage against the machine
TEENS TODAY: let’s eat laundry detergent
Sorry I said, “Maybe you’ll do better next time” when you showed me your baby.