Me: Well, that’s enough for one day.
Husband: But you just woke up.
Me: Exactly.
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Why do people say tunafish, rather than just tuna?
Is that to differentiate from the tunacow and tunagiraffe?
the hardest part of your wife going into labor is everyone interrupts the movie by asking questions
My patience has stretch marks.
As I basted the turkey, I swear I heard it say “just not in my hair”
getting fitted for a wedding suit and i know they’re going to ask me what i want and already i know i’m going to just go blank and say like “pants….. and jacket”
The Reacher guy looks like an 11 year old boy after getting 3 wishes from a genie
Got kicked out of the grocery store. Apparently yelling “LET THE BEETS DROP!” And throwing them at the ground is not acceptable.
My 30 yr old called me this morning to ask when he had the chicken pox…please, I can’t even remember if I took my pills last night
it’s sweet how my son likes to swing by and check on me when his rent is due
What do people who drive 20 mph slower in the rain want from us
So far my favorite part about being pregnant is telling people I’m not pregnant when they ask when I’m due.
Judge: Did you commit murder?
Me: I’m a man. I’m afraid of commitment.
Judge: hahaha!
Me: hahaha!
Judge: Life.
Update: Gingerbread men are actually incredibly slow and delicious
This sounds bad:
Right on, adults who are excited for Halloween. I too get excited about things meant for kids. Last week I lost my shit because I saw a frog
The next time there’s an awkward silence, try whispering, “Did you forget your line?”
Signed up to be a diplomat. Won’t need a vaccine cause I’ll have that sweet, sweet immunity
Death metal fans are complaining abt all the noise. Irony.
I just saw a birdbath gravestone, what a great idea, visitors for life..or death I should say
My gf thinks I cook our meals cause I love her. Really, it’s cause I’m afraid she might try to poison me.
Always proofread your tweets before hitting send. I now that know
Best way to find out if you have any cuts on your hands is to make some lemonade.
Next time someone falls asleep next to me on a plane they are going to wake up to me holding their hand and lovingly gazing into their eyes asking “What are we???”
*puts salt and pepper in shopping cart, pushes real good
Sorry I yelled “SURPRISE!” when you caught me in bed with your husband.
I was unaware that you don’t like surprises.
*goes out*
*realises why I stay in.*
My wife accused me of spending too much time on twitter. That’s funny, when did I get a wife?
Sorry for loudly singing “Whoomp there it is!” when you took your pants off. It’s been a while.
why isn’t thunder called soundning
were your parents the last ones to pick you up from school or are you normal