“Food expiration dates are lies. It’s all about control.” My knife breaks as I cut into a plate of milk. “I’m saving this for later.”
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I just bought a couple of Christmas presents and got a text from my bank like, “Bro, what are you doing?”
My husband was unable to find his coat earlier as he’d accidentally hung it up.
[party]
friend: that piñata you picked out looks so lifelike
piñata: *struggles against ropes*
[first day on the job as a drug dealer]
*giggles*
“We don’t have coke, is Pepsi ok?”
*gets stabbed*
Honey Boo Boo changes name to Sugar Scab.
Please make sure your kid’s middle name pairs well with their first name because you’ll be yelling that combo more than you think.
kids are fun because the only time they stop eating is when you put effort into making meals for them
I’ve had a lot more interest from women since I’ve been forced to wear a mask and I don’t know how to feel about that.
The human body is 75% water so we’re, basically, just lettuce with anxiety.
You: Artfully arranges flowers in vase so the room looks nice
Me: Artfully arranges garbage in trash so the kids don’t see what I threw out
It was just that one time that autocorrect changed mourning to mounting, but never again would my wife ask me to write the eulogy for one of her elderly relatives.
From the looks of this gas station bathroom, I missed an alien autopsy by 10 minutes.
Fight Club, but instead of blowing up all the financial institutions, they reset all twitter follower counts back to zero.
You’re not USELESS…
I’m just saying that 300 years ago YOU would’ve been the one to test which mushrooms the village could & couldn’t eat
My neighbors listen to great music… whether they like it or not.
I don’t want the baby mountain goat to die but I don’t want the snow leopard to starve. Why do we even watch these nature shows?
Apparently, the new iPhone 13 Pro Max will help you lose weight pretty quickly..
..
..
..Because once you buy it, you won’t be able to afford food for 3 months !!
FIANCÉ: where should we go on our honeymoon
ME (after hearing there’s a charizard hidden at mt rushmore): how do you feel about south dakota
Accordion to a recent survey, inserting musical instruments into sentences largely goes unnoticed.
Sir, I see that you spelled “résumé” with the correct accent marks. Unfortunately you’re just too fancy to work here at Popeye’s Chicken.
I’m not an alcoholic, alcoholics go to meetings. I’m a drunk, we go to parties.
Someone needs to invent Glade Air Freshner Clit Rings®.
My safe word is “insufficient funds”.
[job interview]
“any questions?”
yeah is it Pets Mart or Pet Smart?
“ma’am this is a bank”
I know but you seem like a man with some answers
There are many effective ways of inviting me to your event but doing it on Facebook is definitely not one of them.
I was eating BBQ ribs and my waitress asked me if I wanted a wet nap…
…I told her it wasn’t necessary because I had one earlier today.
Gf: We’re gonna be late for our dinner reservation
Me: Hang on, I’m right at the end of my book
Gf: FFS he’s there, behind that tree
Me: Waldo you rascal!
My husband wants a fourth child. I hope his new wife will be good to my three.
Ladies, if he:
– doesn’t introduce you to his parents
– never calls you back
– has four feet
– smells like potato chips
– could easily be mistaken for a loaf of breadthat’s my pug, you’re dating my pug