When you die, you can now have your remains scattered by drone across the UK. It helps if you’re cremated, but it’s not as funny
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ME: *coughing* I’m sorry my voice is a little hoarse.
CHESS PLAYER: did.. did you just swallow my knight?
Putting the table into the shower does make it a little crowded but I needed a good spot for my beer
Ikea Employee: I’m calling security
Who called them Drinking Buddies and not Palcoholics
Ugh
“Grammies” is a shortening of “gramophones.” Now that most people listen to music on their smartphones, the awards should probably be called (and I love this) “Phonies.”
Remember, Kids… If you can’t say anything nice, well, it’s probably hilarious and worth getting into trouble over anyway.
Whoa whoa whoa… I was stalking her first buddy…
the other one is “smunchy” which is we stopped making the smooth peanut butter early. i’m close to becoming a smooth peanut butter guy just so i can eat a finished product
Roses are red
Daisies are white
I’m in a grumpy mood
My underwear is too tight
Me: you need to do your homework
9: my teacher knows all the answers, why doesn’t she just do it herself
This is a special tweet. Only people who are sex deprived can read this tweet.
My girlfriend has started pronouncing the word “pedant” “pendant” as a kind of accusation, taunting me, daring me to say something
Valet parking is cool because obviously I didn’t spend the last five years meticulously fine-tuning the positions of my seat, steering wheel, and mirrors, by all means please do just shove everything wherever you want it for the one minute you’ll be driving my car
I am much less afraid of jail when I’m drunk.
I believe in you. But I also believe in aliens, big foot, and werewolves so don’t get too excited.
Dear neighbors, I am not killing my child. I’m washing her hair. Only she sees it the other way.
Dog: I will guard you with my life!
Cat: What was your name again?
Me: Don’t make this weird
Brain: Sucks helium and laughs like Woody Woodpecker
[a giant killer salmon is attacking the city]
cop: [throws smoke bomb]
me: “all you’ve done is make him extra delicious you idiot”
Officer, why do you say “full body cavity search” like it’s a bad thing?
God making Khaki
God: I want a material that can be dressed up or dressed down
Angel: Nice!
G: But it shows every pee drip
A: Hilarious!
purposely bought tall lace up boots so I’ll never have to be anywhere on time again
A good way to break up with a girl is to leave her a trail of rose petals starting from her front door to North Korea.
2025: The piñatas have become sentient. Children beaten mercilessly w/ sticks. Mariachi music everywhere.
WISE MAN 1: i bring Him gold, for He is king of kings
WISE MAN 2: i bring Him frankincense, for He is to be worshipped
WISE MAN 3: i bring Him myrrh, for praise in life and death
ME: and i signed the card, for i thought we were all sort of going in on this together
Dad Dinosaur: [sleeping]
Kid Dinosaur: Daddy, Look at all the pretty stars!
Dad Dinosaur: *grunts* Very nice, son.
Kid Dinosaur: I think I see a shooting star!
Dad Dinosaur: Mmm hmm
Kid Dinosaur: It looks like it’s coming right towards us!
Dad Dinosaur: Say what now?
I accidentally complimented only one of my kids and their sibling lost their mind. As any parent knows, ice cream resolves this situation, but you should give the kids some too.
3 just informed the cashier at Target, that mommy has a tiny mustache in her underwear.
So the weekend is off to a great start.
My husband before the holidays: I don’t need anything
My husband right after the holidays: I’ve always wanted this thing, and also I really really want this, and I’d love to have this other thing
“Daddy, how are babies made?”
“Well son, when a man and a woman have too much to drink..”