“No. Nope. Absolutely not. Nope. Incorrect. Wrong” – Neil deGrasse Tyson watching A Star is Born
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I yelled at my wife “Your skirt is way too short”
She replied, “That’s because it’s made for a woman. Now take it off & give it to me”
“Dogs are assholes”
DOG PERSON: YOU’RE an asshole!
“Cats are assholes”
CAT PERSON: Yeah
I just leaped over a 3ft tall dog gate with the skill and grace of an olympian to get a snack from microwave.
*Adds track star to resume*
[three days after inventing phone]
*rrrrrriiiiiiiiinnggggg*
Alexander Graham Bell: oh ffs
When my sugar daddy told me no, I asked my sugar mommy, and my sugar daddy found out and now I’m sugar grounded.
*talking to a cool girl at a house party while pretending my right foot is not currently stuck in the dog’s water bowl*
[ creating bats ]
god: well we already made birds
angel:
god:
angel: what if they were goth
god: omg what IF they were goth tho
[every morning]
Me: Want to go outside?
Dog:
Me: Outside?
Dog:
Me: Go outside?
Dog:
Me: Let’s go outside!
Dog:
Me: Fine.
Dog:
Me: [gets coffee and sits on couch]
Dog: I need to go outside.
Star Wars movies now feel like when your dad caught you smoking and said “Oh you like cigarettes? Well now you’re gonna smoke a whole pack.”
Can’t believe I have to spend the rest of my life living the rest of my life
A public stoning, but it’s just a group of people throwing donut holes at me
in hell your cat can talk and he openly judges you for everything he saw you doing when you were home alone
*walking into our new house*
ME: Whaddya say we christen our new home?
HER: *giggling* OK*later, flinging holy water*
ME: GET OUT GHOSTS
If you have more than 4 kids I automatically refer to you as a hoarder.
Archbishop: If anyone objects to this wedding…
Prince William: Me! Meghan, I adore you!
Prince Harry: Wut?!!! I adore her!Spin Doctors whip out their instruments & huddle together: okay, guys… we’ve been training for this our whole lives!
The only way I’d want to watch a video of you pouring a bucket of ice water over your head is if you promise you drown at the end.
If you could have dinner with any person, living or dead what Arby’s would you go to?
Border Security Idea: Make the door to Mexico too small for sombreros.
My kid was mad at me and said, why don’t you CROCHET!?? and it made me laugh…and made her madder.
my son the little archaeologist informed me that he could tell a remote control he found was ancient because it had a button for PS3
Aww, you “only wish the best for your exes?” That’s cool, I lie about things too.
The worst kind of insomnia is snoring induced insomnia. That’s when every time you start snoring your wife shoves you awake…
9: Where’s mom?
Me: Out the back
9: Australia?
M: Out THE back, not the Outback!
9: What’s she doing?
M: Playing with her didgeridoo, I think
Goblin adventurer whose catchphrase is “no goblemo”
I know karate and tons of other words.
Current anger level: I am last-beer-in-the-fridge-turns-out-to-be-a-soy-sauce-bottle angry.
Me: Did you cheat?
Wife: Haha yes, what about you?
Me: Haha yes the glass wasn’t really moving on the ouija board, I was pushing it. What did you do?
Wife: Had sex with Dave
My kid’s latest report card looks like someone with a stutter is trying to swear.