“I want to see my lawyer” – grilled chicken
You Might Also Like
Oh. My. God.
Me *with my dying breath*: Tell my wife I like like her
The only thing we know for certain about Macron is that he is 39 years old and even that will probably change next year.
Most populated places in the world:
1. China
2. India
3. United States
4. Indonesia
5. Friend Zone
6. Hell
You want me to fill my glass with ice? The thing that sunk the Titanic?
Who called it a one night stand and not a humpty dumpty
WIFE: We’d have less arguments if he wasn’t so pedantic
THERAPIST [to me] Is that right?
ME: No. It should be fewer arguments
Remember guys, it costs zero dollars to be annoying to strangers on the internet.
I often think if I’d taken a different path in life, I could be lying on a slightly more comfortable sofa right now.
“Drat!” Annie felt the unwelcome creep of human emotion intrude upon her sensible agenda.
I want to live in a world where the plural of moose is mooses.
tonight at the bar, ask a woman if you can buy her a drink. If she says yes, hand that lucky lady a Starbucks gift card and walk away
So maybe downloading the ruler app to measure the snow wasn’t such a great idea
You know what they say about a guy with big hands?
He can carry more cheeseburgers.
Me: Come on eat that.
Miss 10: I don’t want it, it makes me want to throw up.
[Sees my face].
10: In a good way.
*wakes up in the belly of a whale*
me: this can’t be happening again
morgan freeman: but it was, he was in the belly of a whale again
men invented arm wrestling so they could hold hands and look in each other’s eyes
[2 dogs eating dinner]
“u know Sharon, that life insurance policy u found me is great”
[stops chewing]
“why does this taste like chocolate”
*sends nudes*
Him: omg you showered!
“Kids are great when you need help around the house.”
– People who don’t have kids
I’m going spiraling, do you need anything?
Unsolved Mysteries: We don’t know what happened, and now neither do you.
Teaching my son to use social media for the first time ever, since he can’t see his friends. We’re working on the fine art of conversation and how not to respond to every girl with “sup.”
[speed dating, today]
him: hi I’m Steve, nice to meet you!
*her, sat like 12ft away*: what?
Steve: what?
[playing flight simulator]
this is your captain speaking: the alcohol is now free and we’re landing in a volcano
Facebook is the biggest whistle-blower of them all, telling people I saw their messages.
Keep salespeople from pestering you by asking what type of saw can cut through bone and sinew the quickest.
GF: *vomiting in sink* Ugh morning sickness
Me: Wait. . . wh-what?
GF: I’m pregnant
Me: Woah, slow down. Why did you call me sickness?
Payday: BUY ALL THE THINGS!!
Day Before Payday: I would like to pay for this taco in pennies.
*first day of pilot school*
Teacher: Did you read the class description wrong?
Me: No, why do you ask?
The parrot on my shoulder: No, why do you ask?