When you marry someone with the same sense of humor as yours you have to deal with the consequences, like when I asked my wife to put on an outfit I haven’t seen yet and she walks out in my gym clothes.
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That’s classic.
Today I nearly met my end!…it was in a yoga class.
Imagine meeting your doppelgänger and they can still eat cheese all day without repercussions
My girlfriend told me to go out and get something that makes her look sexy…so I came back drunk.
My birthstone is a sushi roll.
There’s nothing like sitting by an open fire..watching the evidence burn.
My 3-year-old gave me a sticker for behaving myself in public. She’s doing a good job of raising her parents.
Honey Boo Boo changes name to Sugar Scab.
WHAT IF LIBRARIES HAD POSTED MEMES IN THE EIGHTIES: a thread
I’m not gonna be able to come out tonight I already sat down
My therapist says I have a preoccupation with vengeance. We’ll see about that.
MARRIAGE PROTIP – Guys, if you have a picture of your junk on your phone, you better be sure your wife has a copy of it on hers. Good talk.
I wasnt home for a few days and somebody taught my cat Karate
Slave1: I never knew my parents
Slave2: same
Moses: I was put in a basket & placed in a river
Slave1: do baskets float?
Moses: they do not
Me: This recipe calls for one red onion…
Onion: Seize the means of production!
Me: Close enough
Daughter, who can clearly see me cleaning the toilet: “Mom do you like being a grownup?”
Hi, I’m your car’s radio. I’ll be playing terrible music during your trip, but once you get out of the car I’ll play your favorite song.
What I said: Brush your teeth!
What my 4yo heard: Chew on your toothbrush so I have to buy you a new one every week.
Judge: Have you any words before I pronounce sentence?
Me: Yes. Could you also pronounce Worcestershire?
Him: you seem disappointed
Me: i just thought we were staying at a sweet
Him: this is a suite
Me: *licking the wall again* these are not gingerbread Patrick!
First grade math makes no sense. I mean, who really buys 34 oranges and 21 apples in one day?!
[After Big Jewel Heist]
“We did it! We got away! Everything went to plan”
ME(holding my grappling hook I didn’t get to use): Yea it was ok
approaching the 7-year anniversary of putting my stem cells in my dad’s bones and growing my bone marrow there thus killing his cancer and giving me years of “he’s a lesbian in his bones” jokes
A little baby Yoda in my life
A little baby Yoda by my side
A little baby Yoda is all I need
A little baby Yoda is what I seeMandalorian Number Five
lost dog
Joggers that run early in the morning aren’t doing it for the exercise, they are just looking for dead bodies. “5am, welp time for my daily sweep for murder victims,” they say.
Nz lockdown 1: I’m gonna make bread and be creative every day!
Nz lockdown 2: time to watch all the twilight movies
Nz lockdown 3: time to make my sims family kill eachother and watch the twilight movies again
At the motel:
Front Desk: And here’s your key card sir ..
Me: I’d like a wakeup call.
FD: You’re 20 lbs. overweight and your fly’s open.
I could never be an Olympic sprinter because I couldn’t go 10 seconds without checking my phone.
coworker: my favourite are samosas. what about you?
me lying about having tried Indian food: I mean how do you argue against samosas