Did Ace of Base ever do another song wherein it was explained what happened to her original baby?
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Anyone else having a near life experience today?
*weather drops 2 degrees*
me: it’s beginning to look a lot like Christmas
Thankful that Five-Fingered Shoes company doesn’t make pants.
Wish my date had canceled before I shaved my legs. Well if anyone wants to go out tonight I am more aerodynamic than usual
[being carried away by a colony of ants] haha nice let’s see where this goes
My husband had to sign a form stating he understands his mother’s cremation is nonreversible. I weep for our species.
Me: *is utterly starved for affection and understanding*
Universe: Best I can do is a tweet from a puppet.
*flips over table*
*table flips back up*
Table: You got a problem?
Me: DO YOU?
Table: …
Me: HUH?
Table: …
Me: I SAID DO WE HA-
Table: No
Best wishes to the local youths I met outside the supermarket today. They asked me to buy alcohol for their gravely ill grandfather whose dying wish is 3 bottles of vodka and a case of beer. I was happy to help. Please give my best wishes to your grandad, guys.
The pond is silent. No one has come to feed us bread in a week. Slowly we gather our nerve and begin to wander from the pond. The world is quiet. Empty. We waddle through the streets, unhindered, unchallenged.
Duck World – coming to Netflix this summer
I’m not saying that asking your kids to clean will always make things worse, but I asked my 4yo to clean his muddy shoes and found him standing naked in a full bathtub polishing them with his toothbrush
5yo: Dad, if you make me take a bath I will scream and yell and cry, and then you will have to give me a consequence. You don’t want me to have a consequence do you?
How scared do I need to be for this kid’s teenage years
y’alllll a young person asked for historical fiction and I asked her if she had a particular time period in mind and she said the 80s and 90s
“are you ok?” no i took the cereal bag out of the box and now it won’t fit back in
Her: “Your funny”
Me: “…. Uh ya… this isn’t gonna work”
*yells from the back of an ambulance*
“Can you drop me off at the corner, I can’t afford this!”
My bachelor party always end with a wedding.
If a server comes to my table and asks ‘hows everythin tasting?’ mid chew I like to grab their wrist and keep them there until I can answer
Welcome to parenthood. You will be issued 5 overly noisy toys by people who you thought cared about you shortly.
Sometimes I try to reason with people, but invariably they start talking again.
Me: I’ve been thinking about getting a buzz cut
Barber: I don’t think you could pull it off
Me: Well no, you’d have to cut it off
[on phone]
ME: Babe what’s the wifi password?
HER: We broke up. I told you last night
ME: We broke up, got it. Any upper case or spaces?
your Covid tweet is so 3 variants ago 🙄
*Looks left*
*Looks right*
*Crosses road*
*Gets run over by chicken*
My son is explaining why my daughter is crying but I’m not buying it as I don’t think she can even say, “Please kick me in the face”.
Cop: can u describe your attacker
Me: super aggressive, with a big nose & powerful arms
Cop: u just described a seagull
Me: he took my chips
people who do mutinies should be called mutants
If you give someone some Beethoven CDs for a gift and they don’t like it, you can always take them Bach
The best part about talking to a narcissist is how there isn’t any pressure to add to the conversation.
We’re all ridiculous…
It’s not a competition.