Me: Ooh, I’d love to go to your party, but I have a dentist appointment.
Her: On a Saturday night?
Me: I’ve got really bad teeth.
You Might Also Like
I hate when I read something so offensive on Twitter that my monocle falls out of my eye and into my brandy snifter.
Remember, smoking doesn’t kill people. People who are trying to quit smoking kill people.
[Retirement party]
Boss: After working here for 38 years, what was the highlight of your career?Me: [shrugs] Glen brought his dog in once…
Where do cicadas go when they’re not screaming? I’d like to go there and scream.
My long hair falls out constantly so I leave it everywhere for birds to make nests, your honor. That’s why my DNA proves I’m thoughtful, generous, and especially not guilty of this crime.
It’s wild that your car has balloons but you only get to play with them if something bad happens
Call all your previous ones relationsinks.
pikachu had tasted human flesh and now his hunger could not be satisfied
I was in line at the bank when a man got pulled from the queue and escorted out by security, just for having sleeve tattoos depicting flames.
Apparently they don’t allow fire arms in the building.
ok but legally you have to tell me if you’re a meth lab
My husband put a few of his items in my luggage. I can’t believe after 31 years I am still dealing with this shit. It’s like he has no idea how selfish I am.
just saw a bunch of tourists take a selfie with a bunch of cops. this is why we must ban tourism
If you’re intermittent fasting and only eating one meal a day, that meal can be cake, right?
Everyone is drunk except me.
– a horror story
House Hunters:
“Well I gotta be near the beach. A heliport would be a plus. I need 9 bedrooms, an IMAX theater & a moat. My budget is $314.”
I feel like maybe if God didn’t spend all his time helping people win at sports and awards shows he’d have time to fix some shit
Prayers for my husband, he married one of those “it’s my birthday month” people.
Me: *from downstairs* what’s it called when a word describes the sound something makes?
Her: it’s onomatopoeia.
Me: on what mat up there?
I’ve had whole relationships shorter than the Game of Thrones opening credits.
No one has ever had more confidence in me than the waiter who just gave me one napkin with my lunch
Geez ONE crystal champagne glass gets broken and I’m not allowed to use them in the cat obstacle course anymore
I’m fairly confident I could live in a desert, I’ve gone years without drinking water.
dating is scary, what if I put myself out there and I fall in love with someone who’s family plays charades at holiday gatherings
[phone rings]
me: hello?
NASA: this is nasa. stop thinking about peeling the moon like a big orange and eating it.
me: [quickly hangs up]
[Job Interview]
Boss: It says you are a great problem solver
Me: Yes
B: Can you give me an example?
Me: I’m hired
B: *whispers* holy shit
No one
Absolutely no one
My kid: when you die, can I keep your brain in a jar?
at this point space aliens could land on earth on sunday night before the election & we’d all go yeah ok whatever
PROSECUTOR: the defendant robbed 3 stores naked wearing only a teletubby mask
ME: *slams gavel* guilty as charged
Defendant: aren’t you my lawyer?
JUDGE: *missing his gavel* give that back
“It’s been months since I got laid.”
– Baby chickens