[at the animal shelter]
Volunteer: This cat would do best going to a quiet home with no children.
Me: Can I go with her?
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It’s not procrastination, if you don’t do it at all. 🤨
son: can I ask you a random question?
me: brother, what do you think we’ve been doing the last seven years?
I wish had the patience of a former coworker who would peel her strawberries
My horoscope said I will soon find the man of my dreams. I thought, “I’ve been married 25yrs,” then I thought, “But I’ll keep an open mind.”
Me: *in the dentist chair*
Dentist: OK so whilst you have several instruments and half my belly in your mouth, I’m going to take the opportunity at this exact moment to ask about your holidays and I do expect a response.
Optimistic Thought of the Day: You are always 1/3 of the way towards having a threesome.
Give a man a fish, he’ll eat for a day.
Teach a man to fish, he’ll contribute to the global overdepletion of the ocean.
So give him a salad, maybe.
BREAKING NEWS: Scientists discover portal, “WE THREW A HOTDOG IN IT” screamed one scientist
Y’all realise that you can play a joke on someone without it being April 1st? Like no one is monitoring this!
Careful, the circular motion you make with your hand to tell someone to roll down their car window is giving away your age.
I just saw a man delivering pizza in a Hummer…
I wonder if he is reevaluating some of his life choices right now?
i put “wake up” and “try to breathe” on my to-do list and long story short it’s 9:30am and guess who’s already had a productive day
You’re so vain, you probably think me driving by your house 27 times at 2 a.m. wearing all black with binoculars is about you, don’t you.
It is truly easier to forgive your enemies than figure out how to limit their access to your facebook page.
Young God: ok, a little hydrogen and-
*chemistry set explodes*Mom: what was that?!
God: nothing! *scoops resulting universe into shoebox*
Ice cream is clearly God’s way of telling us he likes us a little bit chubby.
What should we call our new store?
“Will we sell pottery?”
No.
“Is it in a barn?”
No.
“Let’s go with Pottery Barn.”
Hell, I love it Carl.
[ad for florist]
Do you need to get a gift for your wife that requires no thought, but also dies in 4 days?
Imagine an octopus mother trying to get her octopus kid ready for school but she can only find seven shoes
Crossover ideas
– 50 Shades of Grey’s Anatomy
– Tiger King and I
– Orange is the New Black Mirror
– Captain Marvellous Mrs Maisel
– Breaking Bad Boys
College graduates look awfully happy for people who’ll never have an entire summer off again.
Them: you have an attitude problem
Me: it’s not a problem… I like it
[elevator]
“Wanna buy a spoon?”
Huh, no, why?
[elevator slowly fills with pudding]
[opens briefcase filled with spoons]
[sheepishly] Yes.
The new guy at work has been getting a lot of customer complaints lately.
Probably because I wear his name tag when he’s not there.
It’s not as serious as some of the parents in the elementary school pick-up / drop-off line seem to think
Me: I’d like a neck tattoo
Tattoo artist: okay, of what?
Me: I just told you
Tattoo artist:
Me: on my forearm
Me: Remind me of your name again?
Ben: It’s Ben
Me: one week since you looked at me…
Wordle 241 1/6
🟩🟩🟩🟩🟩
Finally figured out how to correctly play this game!
I’m only human — unless I have to figure out a captcha, then I am unable to prove that I am a human.
In my house, where there’s smoke there’s dinner.