I feel sorry for all those girls bragging that they don’t have a gag reflex. They’ll probably die choking on an Olive Garden bread stick.
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Can you imagine being cryogenically frozen and waking up 100 years later? Your hairstyle would be so outdated, how embarrassing.
In Russia, Vladimir Putin has said that the killers of Nemtsov “will be ruthlessly hunted down.”
He added, “It’s cheaper than paying them”
Hate when stores ban free plastic bags, they’re great for picking up dog poop. Guess I’ll find a new hobby to spend my time. Maybe get a dog
love the HBO account having a prewritten response to “god damn no one can see shit on your show it’s too dark” comments
– “I love Beyoncé…
– Whatever floats your boat dude.
– No, you’re thinking of ‘buoyancy’.
– …”
[In meeting, puts cap on pen]
Me: Thanks everyone.
Coworker: Oh, also I nee–
Me: No, did you not see me cap my pen? This meeting is over.
“Hey Babe, wake up. We’re back in Louisiana.”
Noah: I need 2 of every animal
Shark: even us?
Noah: no, you can swim
Unicorn: I’m pretty good at swimming
Noah: go for it
The library is always busy; it’s fully booked.
If someone steals your joke, you have to file a LOLsuit
[getting ready for church]
Me: If you don’t hurry up and get dressed, we’re leaving you behind.
6-year-old: Okay.
Me: If you don’t hurry up, you have to go to church twice.
6: *gets dressed in record time*
In Scotland we don’t like our revenge as a dish served cold, we like it deep fried.
Me: Nothing has better sucking capability than a Dyson vacuum.
Dracula: You can’t be serious.
ravioli cooking instructions are always like “bring 7 gallons of water to a boil. cook one ravioli at a time. use new water between raviolis. they don’t like thrifted baths.”
9 out of 10 dentists agree: golf is a fantastic way to avoid raising your children.
To little kid eyeing my McDonalds: thats right i can eat this any time i want… Dont ask about any of the other parts of my life please.
I can’t wait to sleep in
My bladder: lmao
Well played C-SPAN.
Well played indeed.
#Zuckerberg
Of course I’m not going to use my cat’s real name. Lord knows what all these internet perverts would do with that information.
I asked my cousin why he eats the burger first and he’s like imagine I die whilst eating the chips
“Oooo, a window. Let’s see if I can fly through it.” – Dumbass birds
When I was a child I spake as a child, I understood as a child, I thought as a child but when I became a man I put away none of those things
“Hi yes I’d like to attempt the Cheeseburger challenge”
“Very good sir”
[ripped as hell cheeseburger runs out of the kitchen & bodyslams me]
My daughter watched a trial of mine today and when it was over (expecting praise and adulation) I said, “Wellllll how’d I do?”
Her, “You sure did lead your witness a lot.”
Is it rude to throw breath mints in someones mouth while they’re talking?
Coming Soon
Jason Statham is a reluctant thief with a heart of gold*cue explosion*
PUNCH McEXPLODEY CAR MAN
*fade to black*
I just dusted like 4 years ago this is bullshit
My sisters a doctor and she’s always on call. She’s an oncologist.
If you ever see someone drinking straight from a flask in a mall food court… I wouldn’t make eye contact.
How I know this is unimportant.