I pledged to pick up 10 pieces of trash on Tuesday. So, I’m going to Walmart to see if anyone needs a ride.
*adds humanitarian to resume
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My dog has zero loyalty. You have a tennis ball? She’ll go home with you.
In her defense, I’ll do the same if you have carbs.
Them: You’re a dumpster fire.
Me: Awww, you think I’m hot?
The people who came up with all these different rules for pluralization are bunch of peni.
Agreeing to pick a friend up from the airport is nice until that time comes and you start thinking about if you really even need that person in your life anymore.
Gilmore girls is a fantasy about living in a walkable community
We put a man on the moon in 1969, and if you elect me to be your president, I promise that we will not stop until every man is on the moon.
Bartenders are just boneless bars
Me: Where are the kids?
Wife: Mom’s
Me: *getting excited* Really?! Are you thinking what I’m thinking?
W: Almost certainly not
GF: “Can I be frank?”
Me: “Sure, but I’d be more comfortable if you were a woman.”
“Just this one more episode.” you said, and all the voices in your head laughed and laughed, and slapped their knees.
My horoscope today just said “NOPE”
Thanks for the push notification, Siri – that’s exactly what I needed in that moment 🫠
Sometimes I cross things off my to-do list that I haven’t done.
To remind myself that I control the list.
I’m serious. You’re the worst species I ever created, and I made 3,500 different cockroaches.
me: how do i get a girl to like me
dad: treat her like she’s the only one in the room
{ later at party }
man: does anyone know cpr?! this woman is DYING
me: [steps over them] hello, beautiful
My 4-year-old’s questions while watching me put on makeup for 3 minutes:
-Why is your face melting?
-Why do you make your face look evil?
-Why are you biting your eyeballs with those scissors?
[baby throws up all over the couch]
Cmon dude, I let you live here for free
[gently takes the Spider-Man franchise outside using a cup and piece of paper]
There you go, little buddy. You’re free now.
A little boy just screamed down the tube carriage “if you’re happy and you know it clap your hands” and everyone remained silent. I love London
I’ve saved $7982 in movie theater popcorn by switching to Covid
[inventing the knife] What if a stick was mad
Febreeze works just like in the commercials, only instead of being impressed, mom comes home and says “it still smells like pot in here.”
Pretty nervous about the guy who dropped out of mechanic school the second they showed us how to cut a brake line.
Whenever a friends says “Join the gym with me” I say, “Go to church with my Mom for me”. Shuts ‘em up every time.
Remember how judgey we thought we’d be if our kid said “wow! My teacher drinks a lot”
*Gets on plane*
*Takes out earbuds*
*Untangles earbuds*
*Plane lands*
I think my husband left me. I woke up and he’s gone. He better have taken these kids.
I miss when flirting was just wearing a candy necklace around my neck and asking if he wanted a bite
cop: PUT YOUR HANDS UP
me: *puts hands up and my shirt rises exposing my entire stomach*
cop: SIR PUT YOUR HANDS BACK DOWN