I know my car needs a wash and valet, but with 3 kids still at home I figure I may as well wait until the youngest moves out. She’s 7.
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Son: *picks up backpack* I’m off!
Me: Where are you going?
Son: The bathroom. I hear it’s great this time of year. Been planning this trip for minutes.
[later]
Me: How was your trip?
Son: Highly recommend it. Good to get away for a while.
My kids wanted to bake something and now we have to move
– a parenting memoir
one time my cousin greg put on two jean jackets and he exploded, there was mustache everywhere
[intensive care]
NURSE: I’ll never leave your side, DO YOU HEAR ME?!
ME [patient]: wow, I didn’t realize how intense the care was here.
Trumpy Cat
I enjoyed JOHN WICK 4 and its over-the-top glee, especially how many stairs he falls down. When you think that’s all the stairs he’s gonna fall down, nope, more stairs
My neighbor thinks that the coyotes are back. When should I tell her that it was just 11 running around the backyard howling at the moon for no reason?
50 shades of grey = my Liver
*goes on strict diet for a month, steps on scale*
i lost 4 lbs, nice
*goes off diet for one day, steps on scale*
the punishment does not fit the crime
Listen buddy, I don’t know why I’m doing karate in your bedroom either, sometimes things happen
her: [texts something funny]
me: [types hahahaha]
me: [stares at it]
me: [deletes one ha]
At a fried chicken place, looks delicious
manipulators b like yes i hurt u but now u hate me so I’m the true victim
Me: ‘Anyway, I think the songs here are just kinda made up and pretty terrible.’
Priest: ‘This isn’t how confession works.’
Googling “Can computer problems be caused by too many boogers in the keyboard?”
My husband pissed me off today, so I hid his keys by putting them in the spot where we keep our keys.
Son: Dad, I’m gay. Do you still love me?
Me: Ask your mother
“Anyway it was lovely to meet you!” – Translation: Off you go!
*scampers over to ice cream truck*
Yes, I’ll take the SpongeBob who looks like he just opened the Ark of the Covenant, please.
I hate when I’m hanging up my clothes and I find an unused exercise bike from 1987.
[on a stakeout]
COP: did you bring your walkie talkie
ME: no but I do have a runny nosey
LIFE HACK: Answer your phone “Hello you’re on the air” and 99% of the time people will just hang up.
How much longer?
Did you bring any snacks?
They want $5 for M&M’s!
I wanna go home
Is it over yet?– me watching my kids Christmas pageant
JESUS: so I’m u
GOD: yes
JESUS: and ur me
GOD: yes
JESUS: I don’t get it
GOD: I do
JESUS: how can one of us get it & not the other
GOD: whoa
I don’t know what base that was, but thank you TSA.
Boss: Let’s be frank.
Me: Dibs on “Sinatra.”
Momma, I hid my milk!
-A Parenting Horror Story
To the Canada goose standing on one leg I watched for six minutes to make sure you had two legs: you sure took your sweet time about it
Cookie Monster have other things going. Whole life not just cookie.
My mom put shredded carrots in our Jello, so don’t tell me about your rough childhood.